In Our Blood
by QuixoticCellist
Summary: AU: Delphine is away from home and missing it severely. She meets a very free and random Cosima one morning and reluctantly agrees to an adventure. Adventures are nice, but they are complicated. Cosima is a student, working hard, doing well, but like a shark she can't stop moving, and it is wearing her out, until Delphine comes in, and she throws herself to the wind.
1. In Our Blood

_There are things you tend to say when you're alone. _  
_There are tones you tend to take when young hearts are broke. _  
_Let me be that thorn, thistle, or key. _  
_Let me prove you'll unlock just for me. _

"Alright, once more," I heard from behind the camera. "Back to one." I looked past the lights and rolled my head along my neck. "Delphine, hold the pause longer," he shouted. "You look gorgeous, baby." I swallowed and leaned forward at the table. I wrapped my hands around the cup. I wished it had been warm. I wished I could drink it because I was exhausted. "Action!"

The scene continued again. I said the lines. I looked forlornly out of the window because I was that girl. I was the girl who did that. I did it so that everything else changed and I forgot the entire existence of the world except for the one that we'd created in the script. I'd gotten the part on sheer luck and a particularly good audition that I took the train into the city and a ferry into London. I hadn't actually meant to get it. I'd enjoyed plays and small roles over the past few years. I'd never hoped to actually have a proper role. I'd never dreamed of starring. I'd never dreamed of flying across the world to a strange and big city to do this. And it happened, and I was excited. Because I had dreamed of it, I just never let myself acknowledge it.

"Cut!" he called again. I wiped my eyes. I pushed the cold coffee away from me. "Take the day, we're done. We'll see you all tonight!"

I was greeted and made small talk with a few people as the workers deconstructed the equipment. The director pulled me aside and told me that I was doing well. I nodded and thanked him. I was tired and I was homesick.

"Âllo," I grabbed my phone and excused myself gratefully as it rang. I smiled and waved at a few people as the old diner cleared out.

"Good morning, birthday girl," my mother greeted me. I followed into the chilly streets. The streetlights were still on and they were a foreign type of glow and color that subtly reminded me that I was far away from familiar streets. The first month here had been a series of wonders. I'd enjoyed traveling, and I always had. But I was sick for familiar soil.

"Thank you, maman," I smiled into my phone. I looked both ways down the street. The vans of equipment from the filming headed towards the studio. I looked the other way, towards another street towards another neighborhood. I elected for the road less travelled. I elected for the road that was quiet. I elected to get lost and lose my place and disappear for just a moment until I worked myself into a tired enough state to break down for a cab to return to my hotel to sleep the day away.

"I miss you, ma fille," she promised. "I didn't mean to wake you, but I have a busy day today, and I couldn't risk not talking to you on the most wondrous of days."

"I've been up," I assured her. The language felt familiar and wondrous on my tongue. I savored it and held it there, tasting every noun and verb, listening and hanging on the home in her voice."We were filming."

"How is it going?" she asked. I started walking. "I still can't believe it. You should hear how the girls in the office talk. They're so jealous!"

"Good, I think," I nodded, blushing slightly at her praise. "It feels good. The director is happy, or said he was at least, for now."

"Are you having fun with it?" she worried. She asked me that during every rehearsal, from storybook plays in middle school, to Shakespearian high school flops, to Arthur Miller in the park in university. She was at each performance when she could make it. Less so when I travelled to other cities, but she would be there when she could, and she always worried that I was happy. That was what mothers did, I knew that, but it made me work harder to be happy.

"Yes," I agreed, kicking my way down the street with my hand in my pocket. "I can't believe it. How did I get here?" I laughed awkwardly, afraid of the actual answer.

"Talent and skill and hard work and luck," she reminded me. Those were the four corners of my existence. I'd had them drilled into me. "And I am very proud of you."

"You have to say that, you're my mom," I laughed. "It's your job." I kicked my way along the familiar neighborhood. I'd somehow managed to get closer to a familiar park. I was not allowing myself to learn the city. It was not my own and I would not be here long. The streets were too steep, the air was too cold, the traffic was too gaudy.

"Yes, but that doesn't make it less true," she laughed. At this time, I knew she would be sitting at the kitchen table and drinking her coffee. Perhaps she'd have the paper spread out as she tried to inhale the entirety of the news at one moment. "What are you going to do for your birthday?"

"Wish I was there," I sighed, tugging my coat around my ears as the rain started to kick up a bit, bringing on its heels a few dashes of rain. "Dinner at Le Twins, wine by the water canal, pastries from Cianni's." The rain came in a flood after that, inundating me with remembering it all. "I've never been away from home today."

"There must be something to do there," she insisted. "You cannot just wait for home to come. Grab the horns, my love. We can do all of that when you come home. For now you are there."

"I'm tired, Maman," I sighed, ducking into the first café I could find. "I will probably sleep before work tonight."

"No no no," she insisted. I fluffed at my coat and tossed rain about from my self. "Birthdays are magical days, love. You must have an adventure." The cafe was cozy and quiet and nearly empty. I lowered my already low voice though and sat in a corner. "I met your father on my birthday. I got engaged on his. I got you, on your birthday. They are a bit of magic that you know is coming." I'd heard that story as well, my entire life. She made them special though.

"You're superstitious," I cajoled her. "Do not worry. I will find adventure at home."

"I always worry, that's my job," she insisted.

"Don't," I warned her. "You have a busy day, I should let you go."

"At least get yourself some cake," she pleaded.

"Yes, maman," I rolled my eyes. I caught another soul in the café, pouring herself over a small table filled with books. She did not look up and sat relatively still except for a few moments to write something and flip a page.

"I should go," she acknowledged. "I miss you so much," she repeated.

"I miss you too," I promised. "I will see you soon."

"Happy Birthday, ma fille."

"Talk to you later." I hung up quickly before the feeling of home could drown me. I'd never been away from home this long. I'd never been away from familiar streets I knew innately at my birth or a tongue that wagged in my mouth and ears and brain the same as it had before I was conceived. I'd never been away from the salt in the air and the dinging of the buoys in the chop of the water for more than a few weeks at a time. And now I was here for a bit longer and I was feeling the draw of my native land.

I stared at my phone as it sat on the table. My mother would be grabbing her bag. She would rush out of the home, returning to lock the door after she forgot the first time. I'd seen her do it many times. I'd done it myself many times. It was genetics. It was the genetics of home and I missed it all.

"Excuse me, is anyone working?" I briefly interrupted the girl hard at work.

"What? I'm sorry," she stood. She stared at me. I saw her smile. I watched her swallow. Her jaw dropped slightly.

"I was looking for a cup of coffee," I stood back for a second from her intense eyes.

"Oh, yeah," she nodded with a wide smile and took a deep breath. I could see her entire set of teeth. "I can help with that." I followed her towards the counter where she ducked under a ledge and started to bustle about there. "Let me make a fresh pot."

"You don't have to," I fiddled with some money in my pocket.

"Oh, no, it's no problem," she appeared again. "It's my job." She gave me another dizzying smile. Her cheeks were tinted red and blooming.

"Okay," I stood anxiously, returning her smile. She held my stare longer than I had liked, but I couldn't look away. And when I did I felt her eyes still on me and her mouth still struggling to say something at all. There were earthquakes in her knees and there were avalanches in my gut. "Those are a very large books," I observed, looking for anything away from her. Not because she wasn't fun to look at, but more because then I wouldn't be able to speak.

"I have class later," she sighed, looking at her table. "I don't get much time to prepare." We shuffled awkwardly for another full minute or two before she took her shot. "You are awake very early."

"I was at the movie shoot a few blocks over," I explained quickly. "Haven't slept yet."

"Ah, a starlet in my midst," she joked, leaning forward on the counter. "Should I get your autograph?"

"Oh, no no," I shook my head eagerly and blushed. "It's small. A small movie."

"But you're the star," she prodded. I heard the coffee gurgling. I tossed my hair about, ringing the wet out with my fingers. The rain crashed against the window behind us with the dawn. It all made me nervous.

"I have the main role," I agreed. "My first. Ever. In a movie. I've done plays. Little things, really."

"That explains it," she stood again. I watched her eyes dancing behind her glasses. She turned and started pouring a mug for myself and one for herself.

"Explains what?" I asked, handing her a few dollars. She shook her head.

"It's on the house, movie star," she smiled. I jammed them into the empty tip jar.

"Explains what?" I asked again. She filled her cup with sugar and milk until it was light brown. I sipped at the dark liquid and savored it as much as I could.

"You," she shrugged, slipping under the counter again, standing and returning to her table. "You're still sweet and undisturbed by success, and shy, and unsure. You can see successful people a mile away. They are missing the anxiety of being good enough. And you are full of it."

"And I am anxious?" I asked skeptically.

"No," she sat and I joined her accidentally. She looked me up and down. I felt her peering eyes. "You are tense," she decided. "You are unplaced."

"Unplaced?" I looked at her as if I was not following her.

"You don't think you've earned it, and you are far from home," she realized. "You are unplaced." I ducked my head and drank more coffee. "So I'm right?" she ventured. "Or you are a terrible actor." I shrugged at the possibility. "Or maybe very good."

"What are you studying?" I avoided. She looked at me as the smile spread again on her face.

"Biological Diversity," she flipped closed one of the books to show me the impressive title. It was long and boring looking. "I'm putting together primary sources for my doctoral thesis."

"A doctor," I whistled my words appreciatively.

"But this is my first role," she mimicked me with a smile. I could see her anxiety in that moment of unease.

"I should leave you," I pushed my chair after a moment. We looked at each other happily and sadly.

"I should study," she agreed. "But I just can't. Here you are, a stranger in my little corner of the world, from... France?" I nodded to answer her question as I drank a bit more of my coffee. "And you ended up here, at four thirty in the morning on a Thursday. There's a bit of fate in that. And I'm all about fate and rolling with it."

"And on my birthday, no less," I smiled at it all. She was a romantic and she did not know it. Or perhaps she was simply caught up in the complex randomness that made the entire universe exist at all. The rabbit hole of our every move would kill a man.

"Your birthday," she nodded. "And what are you going to do today?"

"Sleep," I sighed. She closed her books and stacked them.

"What would you do at home?" she sat back and wrapped her fingers around her mug. Cars licked the wet cement outside and it grew grey though not sunny. The rain dotted everything, obscuring anything far enough to disappear.

"My mother would make pancakes," I smiled. "And I would make her go to work. I would spend the day shopping, I buy a book, every birthday. One I must read before my next birthday, one I am afraid of..." I looked up at her, coming back to where I was. I was instead, caught by her. She swallowed and rested her head on her hand. Listening to me. "And I would have lunch with my friends. Maybe spend the day at the beach. Or the zoo. I like the zoo. And we have a tradition. We've had it since I was little. We have dinner at this tiny restaurant, and we would drink too much wine when my mother went home. Champaign by the canal. And one amazing piece of cake from the bakery we used to live above."

She stared at me with a small smile for a moment. Her eyes fanned across my face, taking it all in as much as it could. I watched them leap back and forth across the planes of my cheeks.

"I know it's silly," I shook my head, suddenly self-conscious under her eyes. They were big and brown and deep, as in having a depth that probed and covered and invited one to get inside and be safe within. "I've never been away from home in twenty-three...four, now- birthdays."

"And you want to sleep the day away?" she looked at me incredulously. "With fate and chance and everything falling from the sky?"

"This is not there," I explained as best I could. "I have to film tonight anyway. We have an early shoot so we can have quiet." She stared at me long and she stared at me hard. "This week were are on nights, so I am still adjusting to the schedule." I talked fast under her gaze.

"Would you like to go on an adventure?" she widened her eyes and grinned this grin that made me want to give her my left arm.

"I do not know you," I explained, looking away and leaving my mug on the table.

"Apologies," she smiled wider. "My name is Cosima," she put her hand out above her books.

"Enchanté," I shook it after staring for a moment. "Delphine."

"How very french," she smiled. "So, how about an adventure?"

"I don't understand," I trailed off, swallowing roughly.

"I'm going to give you an adventure," she explained dumbly. "A true, away from your world, whatever happens, happens, adventure."

"My father," I looked down again and smiled despite it all. "He once said something like that to my mother."

"How did it work for him?" she asked, laughing a bit.

"He died," I nodded. "So I'd be wary of adventure if I were you." She lost the smile only slightly, to her credit. But her gaze intensified. I waved my hand as if that would dispel it like stray smoke from a cigarette blown in the air. Maybe that was why I was wary of adventure. Maybe that was why I was anxious and unplaced. Perhaps now I was just unnerved by this girl.

"What's a little adventure without some danger, right?" she whispered it like a secret to me. It was my turn to be taken slightly to the side with that.

"What is this adventure, then?" I asked, covering my mouth with my fingers. She leaned back with a victorious smile.

"Love," she sighed. "I fell in love with you when you walked in, and now I am going to give you the best birthday ever. Just trust me."

"But you are a stranger, and you speak like a... like..." I didn't know what to say. "You should not throw love around."

"But I've never looked at anyone and felt what I just felt. It must be love then, right?" she prodded. I shook my head and laughed at it all. "I get off in a half-hour," she stood and pushed her books towards me. "If you're here at the end of it, I'll have a fresh cup of coffee and an adventure for you."

"If I'm not?" I asked.

"Are we going to play that game?" she leaned towards me slightly as she walked past. She gave me squinty eyes. "Fine, if you're not then I will spend the rest of the day staring into the melancholy street unable to study, distracted by my would-be afternoon with the actress."

Before I could answer, she ducked under the counter, and I was left with her books. I heard her rustling around in the back. A few minutes later, the door jingled and a customer appeared. I didn't turn around to watch her. But I sat there and wondered what just transpired between me and the strange and pretty girl at the counter who had very big books. I debated. An adventure. A love. It felt very much like a fairytale. But I was intrigued. And my mother told me to have an adventure. She was right when she said there was a bit of fate in it all. I opened the books and flipped through her notes tucked in the pages. Her handwriting was tiny and precise. Sometimes there were pictures drawn. They were not doodles, but they were actual images. One was the Golden Gate Bridge, spanning the background with notes about genealogical markers scrawled around it. They were quite good, actually. I took a tour of the city in her hand while catching long and drawn out names for cells and compounds that I'd never remember.

"Âllo, maman," I muttered into the phone, keeping it in french and away from prying ears. "I am about to go on an adventure. I know you are busy. But I think this might be an important moment, but it is with a stranger who talks like she has her heart in her mouth. She talks about fate, and I think you sent her to me. Call me when you can, because there is already so much to tell you. I think I needed to convince myself to go. And if I tell you I'm going, I know I will go. I love you. Thank you for twenty-four amazing years." I hung up and stared at my phone again. I knew my mother would have questions. I wanted her to. I wanted her to know that I was being alive. It was something she told me I never did. She made me go on the audition to get this part. She made me quit my job at the bakery. She made me give up my home to see more than she could ever imagine seeing.

I flipped through the books a bit more as a few more customers came in and bustled. I blushed when I thought about how she looked at me and how she called it love. It was kind of wonderful and hopeful. I was not swept away with it. But I was oddly excited for the adventure of my life.

"A daring choice," her voice reached me as she slid a cup of coffee in front of me. It was capped and insulated and perfect. I shrugged.

"I'm french," I sighed. "It is a curse. You spoke in my language and convinced me."

"Score me," she smiled the wide-teeth smile. "Shall we then?" She leaned on the back of my chair and I stood, handing her the books. She traded for my coat.

"What is the plan?" I worried slightly but tried to maintain.

"I don't really have one, honestly," she returned. "Are you hungry?" I nodded and sipped my coffee in the cold of the morning. The clouds had become completely gray signaling that the sun was awake and hidden there, but the foreign streetlights remained. "Alright," she nodded. I followed her as she turned. "Pancakes, then," she decided with a shy smile.

"Why are you doing this?" I asked after a block of quiet. She slowed for a bit but continued, deep in thought.

"I guess I'm in need of an adventure, too," she looked at me with her hair whipping about in the wind. "And you looked like one hell of an adventure." I blushed and ducked my head against the wind.

"D'accord," I agreed.


	2. San Francisco

_I've been in love with love,  
And the idea of something binding us together.  
You know that love is strong enough-  
I've seen time tell tales about that systematic drug,  
Yeah that heart that beats as one  
It's collectively unconsciously composed._

"Alright, you win," I relented as we sat on the bench she designated was ours. "It was worth it."

The clouds were an angry kind of gray that melded into blue and silver, highlighted by black and bulging. From the bench atop the hill we could see the bay and the bridge and the clouds above dropping showers by the gallon in the east and a bit to the north, though for the moment it was not raining where we were. Instead we watched the clouds moving and shifting while Cosima handed me the styrofoam container with my breakfast inside. The view was wondrous and full of life, the rolling of the hills and the clashing of the bay and the gentle rocking of the clouds.

"It wasn't even that big of a hill," she laughed, opening her own.

I looked behind us at the sloping street and shook my head before turning back to the show of the city before us.

"So, how is breakfast?" she asked after a few minutes of quiet. I heard the ringing of trolleys a few blocks away, and I heard the general murmur of people milling about on the streets with their shuffling feet and whispered apologies of bumping into another.

"Very good," I nodded appreciatively taking a large bite. "Merci."

"No problem," she smiled taking a large bite as well. "Probably not as good as mom pancakes, but they're warm."

"They are very good," I assured her again. "Sometimes, this doesn't feel very far from home. With the bay and the ships. Sometimes the smells, too. I can catch a hint of smell that is like my mothers herbs or the bakery down the block." I felt her eyes on me. From the corner of my eye I noticed her small smile, but I refused to look over.

"Gosh, you are homesick," she decided. "You could not need an adventure more."

"So I've been told," I nodded, cutting into my pancakes as if it took all my concentration. "Now tell me something of yourself."

"Of myself..." she repeated. I nodded. "I've never been to France," she explained.

"What a pity," I decided for her. She agreed.

"I've never really been anywhere beside here," she confessed. "I mean, California. I was born here, went to school in LA, and came back here to Berkeley for my doctorate."

"Ah, a smartypants," I nodded, earning a chuckle. I'd just learned that word and felt proud to be able to use it properly.

"Yes, I suppose so," she decided. "Though I haven't been called that in years."

"So you are an almost doctor who studies fancy biology and seduces foreigners at cafés?" I asked, closing my container. "That is quite an interesting life."

"I seduced you?" she looked genuinely surprised and nearly proud of herself.

"It is something you do often?" I returned with a smile.

"Oh no," she assured me. "Never. I couldn't seduce a prostitute."

"Hmmm," I returned to looking at the bay. She seemed so very genuine, it was addicting. She laughed nervously at her analogy.

"So I was thinking of your birthday traditions," she changed the subject, turning a bit scarlet under the collar. "I know of a bookstore, if you'd like to go."

"Today, I am a follower," I shrugged.

"Alright, well, first we have to run an errand," she decided, grabbing my container and throwing them in the trash a few feet away. "Plus it is still early, so I thought we could just take our time. I can show you the city you refuse to get to know."

We walked in the streets and she spoke in rushed tones with her hands moving about sometimes. She told funny stories about this or that, and I had my hands in my pockets because I was afraid of having them out. She told me about growing up here and her friends, and parts of the city she loved. She asked me many questions about my home, and she listened eagerly, only interrupting to guide me through the streets. The rain only sputtered about at times, and I forgot the weather at all. Instead it was block after block of this interesting stranger who still blushed and grew excited over simple things. I'd never met someone who believed in fate and chance and adventure like my own mother did. There was a bit of magic in getting lost in it all. So today, I let myself get lost and be unplaced.

"I just have to walk the dog and drop off my books," she explained, stopping at an older garage. The storefront was closed and covered in papers, as was most of the rest of the street. "You can come up, if you'd like."

"Adventure, right?" I watched her struggle with the lock and smirk into it while pulling and pushing.

"I promise not to seduce you," she gave me an exaggerated wink. The door opened a second later and I followed her up the set of stairs. "Hey big guy," she greeted the large sleeping dog whose tail thumped mightily against the floor as he half hung off of the pillow on the ground for him. His head was big and his ears were tiny and he had the largest teeth I'd ever seen, as well as the most muscular and broad chest. "Hi Brutus," she clapped her hands along his body and he smiled as wide as she did. "Say hi to the pretty girl," she pointed towards me hovering in the door. His entire grey body shook under the might of his tail as he wagged his way towards me.

"Oh, bonjour," I held out a hand tentatively. He sniffed and licked eagerly. It encouraged me to try to pet him. "You are quite handsome." It was terrifying to have such a dog upon me, but I tried to not show it.

"Okay, now," Cosima appeared a second later with the leash. "I said to say hi, not steal her." The dog lopped back towards her with that wide grin. "Sit," she told him and he complied while she hooked his collar. "I have to walk him for a bit since I won't be home much today," she explained, rubbing his face and looking at me as she did. "You can make yourself at home if you'd like. I wouldn't want you to get stuck in the rain."

"Are you sure?" I asked dumbly as the dog walked between us.

"Yeah, yeah," she nodded, moving towards the door. "We will be back in a bit." And with that I was left in a stranger's apartment. I heard the door close at the bottom of the stairs.

It took me a moment, but I looked around without seeing for a second. Slowly, though my feet were rooted, I looked about, taking in the lived in feel of her apartment. It felt like a home. There were pictures on the walls, and the big windows were covered in tiny formulas and compounds in marker. It was unlike my hotel room, with its faux artwork on the wall and muted tones. This one was full of life and color and home.

I moved to scan the bookshelves and observed not just science titles, but text books and a large collection of classics and philosophy. A framed picture of a woman and what looked to be a younger Cosima and her double stood in front of a large statue. I wondered what it would be like to have siblings, let alone what I assumed to be a twin.

The apartment was relatively clean, which I assumed meant she was a clean person. It smelled like vanilla. I managed to move around a bit. From the kitchen I could see her bed on the other side of the makeshift living room with mismatched couches. The sheets and comforter were in a big pile in the middle. Clothes were haphazardly on the floor though not completely carpeting it. A lone and rushed meow caught my attention as a cat with on ear and a snubbed tail hopped onto the counter.

"Oh, hello," I greeted it nervously. It looked at me with its head cocked. I held out a hand as I had with the dog and it sniffed before moving to the edge of the counter to rub its cheek against my fingers. "Okay, then," I swallowed. I filled myself a glass of water as it hopped over to the window sill and sat there, looking out into the rain. I took a step and a loud squeak made me jump. I nudged the dog toy with my foot to the side and laughed at my own anxieties.

I perused her cabinets only slightly, noting it was not very full. I put my glass down after rinsing it and walked towards the desk against the window. The cat hopped up to sit on the laptop and continue watching me before returning to the window. I saw how full her desk was of papers and notebooks and a few open books. Tiny symbols were written on the window in marker, standing out against the rain drops. When I looked at the apartment as a whole it taught me nothing surprisingly new about this strange girl, but instead only deepened the mystery. I was perplexed and eager, suddenly, to find out why I felt that way.

"Alright big guy," I heard her feet and his paws on the stairs. Immediately he saw me, wagged his tail, and disappeared behind the kitchen island to slop at some water. Cosima appeared a second later, wet to the thighs and pushing her hair from her face. "I'm sorry it took so long," she apologized eagerly as she hung up the leash. "This guy loves puddles." As if on cue, the dog sauntered past and walked right onto the couch before laying down with a huff after circling once or twice.

"It's no problem," I smiled and pointed towards the cat. "I was just meeting this fellow."

"Ah, you found Vinny," she smiled and took her coat off, throwing it over a chair. "He's a jerk, so don't let it bother you." I nodded and we stood awkwardly in the quiet. "So, let me change, okay? And then we can go catch the train."

"The train?" I asked, following her with my eyes as she walked towards her bed and started to pull out clothes from a dresser. I saw her unzip her pants and turned away quickly busying myself with the papers on her desk. The cat barely looked up at me.

"We have a class," she reminded me. I fiddled with the corner of a notebook, ducking my head and trying to maintain my eyes. I looked towards her quickly chancing it. I saw her thigh as she pulled on new pants and my head snapped back to position. I scolded myself and felt the heat in my cheeks. "Is that okay?" she asked, her voice coming closer. I couldn't think of anything but the expanse of her leg and it all there.

"Of course," I nodded too eagerly. She smiled and her eyes lit up when I agreed.

"Then we're off," she started to grab some of the notebooks and books, shoving them into a bag. "Be good," she warned the cat. It only raised its head to hit her palm before stretching back into a sleeping position. "Watch the house," she pointed towards the resting dog. He lifted his head and slapped his tail against the couch. "You can come next time," she promised. I found it endearing the way she treated them, as if they were friends. As if they were family. "Tell her bye," she pointed. The dog let out a large and deep woof that made me jump. I swallowed and was oddly afraid. "Good boy," she cooed and rubbed his head on the way towards the stairs. "Shall we?"

I looked at the clock and discovered I'd already spent nearly five hours with her. It seemed strange and wonderful at the same time, like a blink or a dream, and I wasn't sure, still, how I got to be there. I nodded and followed.

We walked towards the train station and she told me about her pets. She told me about Brutus, a rescue from a fighting ring when he was just a puppy. She saw him and couldn't let him go. And then there was Vinny the one eared cat she found down the street from her place, beaten up by neighborhood kids and left to die. I told her she had a soft heart and she tried to deny it. It was kind of nice. I told her I never had any pets, and she was surprised. I told her about the kittens behind the bakery that grew up to be street cats. I'd never wanted a puppy. Or a pony. She was exasperated by the time we reached the platform.

"This is like the line to Paris," I explained, following her to a bench to await our ride.

"You don't live in Paris? I thought all actresses lived in Paris, or all French people did," she joked. She hunched forward and watched me. I leaned back and stretched my legs .

"I live in a small fishing town," I explained with a sigh. "Very un-Parisian and un-glamourous and un-actress-y."

"There is nothing more un-Parisian than this train, I promise you," she laughed and assured me as it pulled up. "Are you sure you're ready?" She stood and looked down at me as if I would back out suddenly. "You're about to go on a train with a stranger, outside of the city."

"Just across the water," I clarified, standing. "Let's go," I ushered her on, grabbing her hand and dragging her to find a seat. "I haven't been to school in a long while."

We found our seats and she was laughing. I joined her as the compartment filled. The doors closed and I suddenly understood what she meant, about the adventure. I yawned and sighed at it all. She let go of my hand as she realized she was still holding it and we started to move.

"I saw a picture, of you and your sister," I started, crossing my legs and following her gaze out of the window. She had a slight and sad smile but kept looking with me, not meeting my eyes. "At your apartment. You're a twin?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "That's Sarah. I haven't seen her in about two years."

"Where is she?" I stupidly continued. She shrugged. "What is it like having a sister?"

"You're an only child?" I nodded. She smiled and looked towards the water as we passed. "It's living having a built in best friend, who calls you on your crap and knows what you're going to say before you do. You hate them because they are always there, always pushing, always surrounding, and you try to help them, and sometimes you can't, and it's infuriating, because you love them. It is the best and worst thing in the world."

"You miss her," I realized. She nodded.

"My dad was a sailor," she shrugged with a smile on her face. "My mom was a sailor's port. They took off and we got shuffled around til we were about seven when we got picked up by Mrs. S, and we were with her ever since. Sarah didn't do well with it all... And one day, the day after my graduation from college actually, she just... took off."

"Mon Dieu," I whispered. She looked at her hands as the rung themselves. I put my hand on her thigh. "I'm sorry." She shrugged it away and was smiling.

"I get a post card every now and then," she explained. "They're short. _I miss you_ and _I'll be home soon, I promise_. Just stupid things. She never lied to me, we always told each other the truth, but now... I don't even know."

"She has to come back, eventually," I tried to cheer her up. But she didn't need or want that.

"Now you know my tragic history," she laughed it off nervously. "Not nearly as exciting as an actress from France. Just a science nerd with a flaky family."

"It's not tragic," I warned her. "It it kind of cool, to see you now, at least in the past-" I checked my watch. "Six hours that I've known you. You are the most un-tragic person I've ever seen. I would have never guessed that about you. But you're just so... cool." I ducked my head at the admission.

"I try," she smiled at my description. I met her eyes from beneath her long eye lashes.

"I've never met anyone like you," I clarified again. My voice was a whisper, weak and shallow and betraying.

"Thank goodness," she had a half smile that pulled her lips cockily and genuinely. I wanted to kiss her, and so I did. I leaned forward and held her cheek and kissed her before I could make myself see the sense and insanity in it all. It was chaste and soft and the commotion of the fellow passengers and rails on the tracks all faded away so I just heard her breath and the sound my lips made when I pulled away from her. Her eyes were closed when I did. Perhaps she had not believed it. It was so soft and barely there, I almost didn't trust myself that I had kissed her at all.

"Well," she nodded, eyes still hidden behind lids. She blushed and swallowed. "Now I'm definitely in love with you." I laughed despite it all and nudged her.

"It is just the accent," I promised her. She laughed as well and finally opened her eyes. They nearly disappeared behind the cheeks of her smile.

We spent the rest of the ride talking about this or that, though nothing of important. She asked me about the movie and I explained as best I could. More often, though, her questions were secretly probing, asking secondary questions that I never considered myself. She made me laugh. I liked that part. I liked when she laughed. I chalked it up to the tiredness I felt from my busy night.

I followed her from the train when we arrived at the station. The rain had finished, but the swirling clouds remained making the campus murky and desolate. She showed me around as we walked. Her university was impressive. She gripped her bag strap tightly at times. I asked questions and marveled. She gave me a penny and showed me how to wish in the fountain. I was still unsure of wishing, but birthdays were the same type of magic.

We stopped in a bookstore and spent a few hours sifting through the unorganized stacks. She found one she wanted. I struggled to narrow it down to one that I wanted to try. We listened to the old record player in the back with the small collection of vinyl. I found Edith Piaf and sighed when it played. She watched me watch the record, as if I was watching her sing myself. I didn't care. We listened to it the entire way through. I translated for her, but she closed her eyes and simply listened at times, and I appreciated that, because that was how it was meant to be heard.

Finally, though, we had to leave for her class, and I picked my book, fighting her to let me buy it. She was chivalrous on my birthday, but I couldn't let her, not after she bought me breakfast and a train ticket already. Grumbling, she lamented to the shop keeper who laughed with her. He spoke to me in jumbled french as best he could, wishing me a happy birthday. I kissed his cheeks and thanked him. We laughed the entire way to her class. I wasn't sure what about, but I knew I couldn't stop.

In class, she was different. She focused. She passed me notes at times, drawing little pictures to explain what was happening. I sat amidst a giant lecture stadium of a hundred students who all knew what was happening and felt incredibly stupid. But I watched the slides and I learned. Eventually, I leaned forward and studied what was happening so severely, I lost track of time.

"That was..." I was excited as we escaped the hall and rush of people. "That was so interesting!"

"I'm glad you liked it," she chuckled. "You looked like you were into it."

"I've never studied, much," I informed her. "I'm dumb."

"You're not," she shook her head as we walked away from the building.

"I am," I promised. "I dropped out of university to do this. I don't know what mitosis is."

"Not many people do," she promised.

"I forgot how much I enjoyed learning," I swelled and felt like I was dancing. "It was riveting."

"Clearly you missed your calling as a scientist," she laughed, keeping up with my long strides.

"Probably," I agreed with a smile. "Now what?"

That was the question of the day. She ran her hands through her hair and blew out her lips.

"Truth?" she asked. "I hadn't much thought about it. I was hoping I could just be charming and that'd be enough."

"Well, when you put it like that..." I shrugged. "I guess I shouldn't have expected an entire mapped out adventure."

"That is not what an adventure is," she shrugged as well. "Come on," she had me follow her.

We ended up on the bay and we took the ferry. She told me stories about Alcatraz and she told me all kinds of nautical facts she'd learned. She asked me about my friends at home. She asked me if I left anyone there who might be waiting for me. I laughed and told her no. I asked her the same in a different way. She laughed louder. I asked about her friends and listened intently. I'd never had such a wonderful and free talk than with this girl on a boat. She was shy and she was brazen, she was outspoken and she was eager. There was a way she laughed that made me smile. There were these looks she got as if she didn't want to tell me things she eventually confessed. And I told her things I didn't want to admit, too. And I laughed, and I smiled despite myself. I didn't want it to end, so we rode it back, and back again one more time. Three crossings on the boat and our own pew in the boat house where we talked while the wind kicked up outside. There was no silence that we didn't want, and there was no words we didn't need.

"It's been an entire day," she sighed as we finally got off of the boat and stepped onto the pier. The street lights came on and it was after six. "And it just zoomed by so quickly."

"It was an adventure."

"I didn't think I'd keep you this long," she smiled, pausing at the rail of the boardwalk and looking out onto the water thoughtfully.

"Me neither," I agreed, joining her.

"I kind of don't want it to end," she acknowledged.

"Me too," I agreed after a moment of considering it.

"I should work on school stuff," she sighed. "And you should sleep before you head back."

"I should," I agreed. She pushed away and grabbed my hand, leading my down the block. I followed her purposeful steps up another hill.

"Do you want to?" she asked as we walked. "Do you want to go sleep?" I shook my head. She smiled for an instant and it disappeared. "Okay then." She held my hand the entire time we walked back to her place. The rain came down in a flood as the streetlight dinged off above us on the corner, waiting for a car to pass. We laughed and pulled up our coats before sprinting towards her.

I watched her struggle with the door again. This time her fingers were nervous. She let me in first, closing the rain out behind her. The apartment was dark and I struggled in my sopping clothes to get up the steps.

"Goodness," she shook her hair and pealed off her coat. "I hadn't planned that."

"I'd be impressed if you had," I nodded with a laugh, tossing my hair about in its messy and wet way. Brutus greeted us and licked at the puddles we formed. She moved to turn on the light, but the switch just flipped and nothing happened.

"Shit," she sighed. "Don't move, okay?" I heard her tripping about and open drawers. The light from outside was enough to only allow me to make out shapes. The streetlights were off for blocks. "There we go," I saw her face illuminated in the kitchen by a candle she managed to light. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For not having power," she shrugged, coming towards me.

"I doubt that it's your fault," I assured her. I took off my coat.

"Can I get you some dry clothes?" She offered. "Here, follow me," she grabbed my hand to lead me towards her bed. She left me beside the dresser while she lit another candle. "I know I have some sweats," she dug around in the drawers after setting them down. I shivered.

"It's fine," I tried to stop her.

"You're shivering," she pointed out without looking. I lifted my shirt. She still did not look at me, but I felt her eyes. To adventure. I unzipped my pants and peeled them from my skin as if they'd been a second layer. Cosima stood with her back to me and handed me some clothes without looking at me.

"You're shivering," I observed, taking the clothes and setting them on the bed.

"You're nearly naked," she continued our trend to point out the obvious.

"Yes," I acknowledged. "It's my birthday," I reminded her. She still didn't look at me. The candlelight flickered on her face when she turned to see me. It glimmered on her glasses but I could see her brown rimmed pupils burning into my own. To her credit her eyes didn't look anywhere else.

"I didn't..." she blinked longer than was necessary. I crossed my arms over my stomach feeling oddly on display. "I didn't give you a birthday for sex," she blurted. I laughed.

"I know," I nodded. "But this is the magic, isn't it?" She stared at me hard. I knew she was trying to look at me without moving her eyes. Her lips twitched a bit.

"Happy Birthday," she sighed. She took a step closer. I took another towards her as well.

"Did you mean it when you said you'd fallen in love with me at first sight?" I asked, leaning towards her. We were not touching. We were not even breathing.

"Not at first," she shook her head. "But the evidence supports the hypothesis, now." I smiled.

"That's dangerous and stupid," I warned her. She agreed eagerly.

Her hand cupped my jaw quickly and kissed me before I could warn her not to believe it.


	3. The Wrestle

_Bare those teeth to me please, man eater. _  
_You can see all of me, naked with fear._  
_This is the test I left land for-_  
_To grip flesh and pull muscle in_  
_The vice clinch of the struggle._

"Ah come on," she bemoaned me to stop, holding her arm farther away from me and the range of my chopsticks. "You're like a vacuum."

"Yours is better than mine," I pouted slightly then smiled as I snapped them together and sunk back into the chair. "And I'm starving."

"Where does it all go? You're like a twig. And I told you," she kicked her feet back up against the window sill happily. "Imagine that."

"Alright, sour puss," I mimicked her and pulled the sheet up a bit more around me.

"That's not what she said," she giggled into her carton. I rolled my eyes and smiled, enjoying mine as well.

I'd learned her humor was her own. I'd learned that she kissed better than anyone else I'd ever kissed. I'd learned that she was ticklish just below her ribs. I'd learned that she grew shy and coy when she made a very loud moan, and hid in the pillows. I'd learned that she blushed whenever I called her beautiful. I'd learned that in just a handful of hours you could learn all you really needed to know about someone if you just asked questions and listened to the answers. I'd learned I'd never know enough about her.

I found myself very comfortable and enjoying the moment as best I could when it came to not thinking. The cat was curled on her laptop again, occasionally watching us. The dog laid at our feet waiting for morsels to be dropped. Our feet were on the window sill so the cold from the rainy windows licked them and gave us chills to combat how hot my blood had suddenly been. I leaned my head against the back of the large chair she pulled towards the windows. The sheets were a toga of sorts that I'd grabbed when she answered the door in her own toga and brought in the food. The candles shimmered in the bedroom area and one rested on the desk, flickering in the droplets of the window and obscuring the outside world. But we watched the rain on the bay and the lights from the main land while the peninsula remained dark. And in this moment, this instant, there was a calm and a familiarity that felt like home. The rain made almost the same noise when it threw itself against the window as it did in my bedroom back home. The wind almost made the same howl as it did between the shutters of our kitchen.

Cosima leaned against mu shoulder slightly, sitting on the arm of the chair that reminded me of the large one in my grandfather's study next to the fire the one time I visited him. Maybe that was it- the homey feeling I had. There was this and the peace I had that came with being placed, to use her terminology. I understood that I was unplaced only through being placed. And now i was here, before the giant, old windows, gazing out and eating take-out with a semi-naked stranger. I was placed.

"Best birthday ever," I suddenly realized out loud as I watched the lights flickering of the city across from us.

"Yeah?" she asked. Her hair was messy and she pulled it to one side on her head. She smiled and chewed. I nodded, more for myself than for her. She leaned down and kissed me sweetly before resuming her position. I watched the muscles of her back move. I watched her shoulders. I read the scratches I'd somehow put there, like tiny parallel wings beneath her shoulder blade. "Thank God for this storm," she sighed, shoving her utensils into the carton and putting it on the desk. Brutus raised his head and set it on her lap. I put mine down as well before settling back into the chair. The fabric itched at my skin, but it smelled like her and was warm. We were quiet, there, separately together watching the city play out before us.

I thought about the storm and all of the circumstances that had to exist for this moment to happen, and when you think of that, it is terrifying and an absolute miracle.

"Did you think we'd end up here?" I mused out loud. I watched her hands splay across the dog's head. His eyes closed in contentment as she rubbed his ear and traced his snout. She didn't look up or over towards me.

"I didn't think you'd wait a half hour," she chuckled slightly as he snorted. "So this is definitely beyond my capacity to think and believe." When she turned to me her eyes were sad, almost. They were content in the existence of happiness and sadness and grief and wonder in the world with the realization that one cannot have it all at once or even individual, but together and separate and unique at once. It was someone who didn't allow themselves to keep the happiness of the moment. But her smile was easy and it knocked my breath away. Maybe it was just the candlelight. I heard it could play tricks.

"We're still strangers, but we've spent more time together and talking and doing... things..." her eyes cocked a bit and she smirked knowingly at my description. "than I've ever spent with anyone else."

"Kind of awesome, huh?" she realized. The dog lifted his head and retreated to his pillow. The cat stretched and turned to look out at the city as well. It was a panoramic of an entire state, right there in the huge windows.

"Yeah," I agreed. "Kind of."

"You know, when you go to Alcatraz," she started. "They play this music and laughter of people, and it is very soft and dim and far away. Because that was what it was like, to be away from the world, but still know it exists. That is what it feels like right now."

"I'd quite like Alcatraz if it was anything like the last few hours," I laughed. She nodded and agreed. My phone beeped somewhere in the apartment. "Merde," I whispered and stood quickly. My robe of sheets tangled and I spun a bit before catching my feet. It beeped again. I searched in my bag near the steps and found it in the dark.

"I've kept you too long?" she ventured, standing where I'd once been. I scrolled through the messages that appeared.

"Non," I shook my head. "We were cancelled tonight apparently. They called it. The power outage makes it impossible."

"Good news, then?" she ventured. I smiled and nodded. I threw the phone back into my bag.

"Very," I nodded. "Am I keeping you? I can go. I know you must have things to do."

"You can keep me as long as you'd like," she swaggered a bit exaggeratedly as I approached. She laughed. "I'm sorry, that never happens." I just laughed a bit with her.

"This never happens," I acknowledged. "I've never done this."

"Met a stranger and ended up at their place?" I shook my head. "Okay, good. Me neither. I'm kind of... geeky."

"Non," I disagreed. "You were very charming."

"Thank God you thought so," she smiled eagerly. "Because you are very French and very just... um... you know..." she moved her hands about, shaping me. "Wow. I mean, you're just... wow, all over. And smart and witty. It's wo-"

I kissed her because no one has ever said I was 'wow' and that meant more than any adjective. I kissed her because she was right there and her hair was a mess and she was struggling to keep the large sheets around her frame. I kissed her because it was dark and the city across the water looked like a universe of stars right at her doorstep. I kissed her because she was mine, for the moment, and it was my birthday, and I could do whatever I wanted.

"Juste attendre et voir ce que je peux faire," I whispered against her lips.

"Yup, like that," she nodded, eyes only opening slightly. I kissed her again. I held her and bit her lip. I pulled her on top of me as I sat in the chair. She adjusted her knees. I held her cheeks then her neck and kissed her. I dug my fingers into her hair and pulled her so I could kiss her neck. I opened her robe of sheets and drug my nails along her back as I pushed it away.

"It's like unwrapping a present," I observed. Her hands were pushing the hair from my face and pulling me into another kiss. "Mon présent," I whispered. My muscles ached, but I was far from as tired as I should have been. I kissed her chest. I felt her skin and warmth and wonder. "Je n'aurais jamais vous dire combien je suis reconnaissant pour ce moment." I promised her, looking into her eyes, lidded and eager as they were. Her lips were puffy from my bites. Her hair tangled with mine and I could taste the eagerness on her breath. For the moment nothing else owned her as I did. I controlled her breathing. I controlled her nerves.

"Fuck," she pulled the vowel of that word as her forehead sunk to my shoulder and her back arched with my fingers. Her hips bucked and fought and welcomed. I held her there, alert and waiting. I held that moment. Her breathing hitched and exploded on my skin. Her fingers were in my shoulder, holding. I felt her start to move her hips. Slow and grinding and precise. There were incoherent words or sounds now as she rolled her body with her quickening hips. I held her as tight as I could. It came in a rush and she came in a violent battle, and with heaving chest and fluttering lungs. I wouldn't do anything greater. I couldn't make anything greater with my hands than that.

Her nose nuzzled into my neck and jaw as she rolled herself about for a moment. She tried to breathe normal. I felt my forearm ache and strain and burn. I felt her pulse pounding inside her entire body like music turned up too loud, thumping against the speakers.

"Mmmm," she hummed, swallowing and allowing her entire body to rest against my own, restless and tired and exhausted beyond use. The muscles relaxed as if they were just sinew and thread. "Now you're just showing off." I smiled and laughed despite myself. She did not laugh or move or shift at all. I pulled away my fingers. She sighed a heavy sigh that felt like the bottom of the ocean.

"Oui," I nodded as she rested against me. "Your cat is watching me."

"Vinny," she flopped her hand but didn't move anything else. "Go away." He didn't move.

"Not working," I chuckled.

"Just ignore him."

"Okay," I agreed. I looked out at the water and the city and the lights. She kissed my neck softly.

"We smell like sex," she whispered. Her fingers hooked into the sheets about my body. I felt her nose in my clavicle.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I'm okay with it."

Cosima sat up so her bum was against my knees. I was her chair. I saw her silhouetted in the galaxy behind her. She was naked and looking at me and only half of her face was slightly glowing in the singular light we had still burning on the desk. I spread my thumbs along the grooves of her ribs and concentrated on all of that I held. She braced herself on the arms with her hands. I felt her hand drag along my temple, tucking hair behind my ears. I touched all that I could for the moment. I felt my lip in my teeth, anxious, waiting for her to be a puff of smoke.

"God, you're gorgeous," she mused, not so much talking to me as she was to herself. "What did we do?"

"You need a diagram?" I laughed. She smiled and shook her head. My thumbs traced below her breast, the soft skin that sat there felt nice and peaceful. She lifted my hand and kissed my palm. "There's still about twenty minutes left in your birthday. What should we do?"

"I honestly don't know," I nodded to myself. "It's been kind of a busy day."

"It has," she yawned on cue. "I'm sorry."

"Non, non," I smiled. "I feel the same."

The buzzer from her dryer signaled that our clothes were done and no longer drenched and freezing. I felt a twinge of fear in that moment. She sighed. Cosima stood and picked up her sheet.

I just sat there as she moved towards the cupboard in the kitchen with the machines.

"I'm just going to set your clothes on the counter," she called. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Surprise me," I called, sitting back in the chair. I rubbed Brutus' ear on my way there. I knew she watched me. I could see her in the kitchen digging around. I laid back and stretched. I felt every part of my body. The cat hopped up and played with my toes. "You're not so bad," I whispered, rubbing his presented tummy. He was white and black splotched that looked haphazard, as if he'd just got paint gobbed on him. I rubbed his chin and felt the purr there. "You kind of scared me with the ear and stuff," I looked up to find Cosima still in the kitchen. "But it suits you."

He bolted when Cosima appeared. She handed me a bottle of wine with no glasses and joined me.

"I recall you ending your birthday by getting a bit tipsy on wine and having a wonderful piece of cake," she explained. She presented me then with a stack of graham crackers. "I don't have cake, so I hope these do."

"Even better," I fibbed, taking one. She took another. I took an eager gulp from the bottle. It was horrible.

"That's also the only wine I have, and I suspect it's old, and not in a good way," she peered at me searchingly. I took another sip. It got easier after that. Quietly we munched and passed the bottle.

"I should head home," I realized. "I mean, to my hotel."

"Yeah," she agreed, swiping the crumbs from her hands. "I have to be at work in a few hours," she smiled awkwardly. "You know, to support my life of luxury." I laughed with her.

"You have a nice life," I promised. "My mom worked two jobs after my father. There's no shame is getting by." She blushed.

"Says the jet-setting actress," she scoffed slightly.

"Up until this role, I worked in a bakery," I said proudly. "See this," I flexed my arm muscle, tiny as it may have been. "That's from kneading dough all morning before rehearsals for whatever half-assed play I managed to get a part."

"Okay, I take it back," she squeezed my arm a bit. "That's very impressive."

"This part will pay me enough to help my mom with the last of the mortgage," I smiled. "Who knows what comes next." She kissed me as I finished. It was soft and quick and she blushed when she was done.

"I'm glad you get it," she smiled.

"It's a lot of pressure," I realized. "School and work." She nodded.

"But I want it," she nodded to herself.

"Me too," I agreed. She kissed me again. "Thank you," I whispered. I wasn't sure why it came like that. "For today."

"Are you... thanking me for sex?" she cocked her head and took the bottle. She giggled a bit and took a swig. "Because if anything, I should thank you."

"I was," I nodded. "For that and for this," I gestured to her apartment. "For the power going out, and the ferry, and listening to me talk about the smell of the lavender fields after harvest and the sound of the boats docking and the taste of salt water and being a wonderful stranger."

"It was my pleasure," she smiled and handed me the bottle. The way she looked at me reminded me of the way she looked at me in the morning when I asked her if I could have a cup of coffee. "I mean it. Today was nice." I took a sip and put the bottle on the floor. "You don't have to go," she swallowed as the words came out, as if she wanted to keep them to herself.

"It will be harder the longer we remain," I explained. She nodded. "Just a few more minutes," I agreed. She nodded again.

"Better make them count then, yeah?" she asked before she kissed me. She nibbled on my smile. I laughed and let her drag me deeper into the chair. My arms worked against me, holding her tighter to me.

"Let's go to bed," I swallowed as her kisses grew deeper.

"But you said-" I interrupted her by holding her tighter. I didn't want it to end.

"Take me to bed," I asked.

I stood and she followed. She grabbed my hand and kissed it again before asking me to follow by pulling me. The candles burned low beside it. As if asking for permission she tugged a bit on the sheet. I let it fall there and did the same to hers. She was on me the next moment. I could feel how tense her hands were. I could feel how eager she was to keep me there. I tried to cling as tightly.

The rest of my birthday passed like that, a mix of tangled sheets and avoidance of the subject at hand. Instead we both played dumb and licked and kissed our way to ignorance that time still works and runs, even when you do not watch a clock.

I traced the dip in her spine. She bit my ear lobe. I touched the ridge of her hips. She gripped my hair. I kissed the nape of her neck. She sucked the skin of my ribs. I scraped her thighs. I kissed her knees. She squeezed my arms.

"Tell me about your father," she whispered, eyes closed and hand on my cheek.

"In pictures, he has hair like mine," I sighed. "My mother says he was a great man. I don't ask much."

"Me neither," she nodded.

"Tell me about yours," I whispered, eyes open and my hand on her neck.

"He was big as a house," she started. "And had a neck as thick as an oak. Maybe he still does. Who knows."

"Tell me more," I asked. She leaned forward and kissed me again before rolling on top of me.

"No," she shook her head.

Her hips were on my hips and before long her lips were on my hips. And before long my hands were in her hair and my thighs were on her ears. And I could not think of anymore to ask her. I wanted to know everything, but one does not simply ask everything. You earn it. Somehow.

"Where do you want to be next year on this date?" she asked, eyes open and hand on the small of my back.

"Everywhere," I laughed and yawned.

"Tell me more," she begged quietly.

"I want to be happier, more successful, placed," I sighed.

"Tell me more," she said, eyes closed and nose on my nose.

I kissed her and pinned her hands at her sides so she was crossed in the bed. The sheets fell off of my back. I smirked and kissed her neck. I cannot recall when we fell asleep. Sometime after the collapse of it all, panting and exhausted.

I closed my eyes for a few moments and felt her breathing beside me, arms tucked under herself, sheet hanging just shy of decent on her hips. The candle burnt out near the window. The last one was on its last leg, wax dripping onto a magazine she placed under it. I extracted myself from the bed as softly as I could. She did not stir. If I allowed myself another moment of closed eyes, I would fall asleep, and then I would die in the morning when I had to leave. It was best to leave a bit of magic there, to hold it, to keep it for myself.

I found my clothes on the counter in the kitchen after I crept through the dark living room. I dressed in the dark and pulled on my soggy coat before grabbing my bag. I allowed myself one more look at her in bed. Her skin, fluttering golden in the candle moved only with her breathing. Her dark hair fanned across her one shoulder and part of her back.

"Au revoir et merci," I whispered, turning as I did.

It only took four or five blocks before I was able to flag a taxi and have it take me to my hotel. The street lights were back on. I watched the bay passing as we drove downtown further. I swallowed and rested my head on the cool window so that my body heat made clouds appear there and fog the city into oblivion. I closed my eyes and tried to find home.


	4. Mercury

_Mercury_

_When I saw you last night_  
_I wanted to say, run away with me,_  
_Away from the cynics-_  
_That this could be the start of_  
_Something truly real._

I wept. I wept and I wept and I sobbed with the most ugly face I could imagine. But it was real. It was crying and it was my fingers digging into my chest and wanting to rip each bone of my chest out individually. I wept. I held it in and I fought it, but it slipped through despite myself.

"Cut," the Director called. I took a deep breath and kept sniffling and crying, trying to compose myself. "I think we have it." He took a step towards me from the camera. "Wrap for the day. Tomorrow we do the bridge scenes. Everyone, I want you on time, I want it smooth, and I want it to be perfect." The general movement of the production started and then they clapped. I was in the middle of wiping my eyes and trying to steady my stuttering lungs. I looked up to see what was happening, but they were clapping for me. I smiled and shook my head. "Come on," the director took my hand. "Enjoy it," he told me with a smile, helping me up. I stood and tried to clean my cheeks while I smiled. "It's going to be happening a lot."

"Thank you. Thank you all," I waved and ducked my head awkwardly. "Go on now," I ushered them to a laugh. "Seriously, guys, thank you." Eventually they started to shuffle away. It was a small crew, but after the past few months, I'd grown to like some of them. The crew was quite nice and welcoming. The co-stars, though veterans, were encouraging and often surprised at what I could do, what I would do, and how I would do it. That made me thrive. Picking up every piece of advice they had as if my life depended on it. This was the education I wanted. This was all I wanted to do- to be someone else for a moment, to step into another world, to tell a story and do it so well like an art form.

"Can we sit for a minute?" the director asked, adjusting his glasses and rubbing his beard pensively and he leaned down to speak with me.

"Yes, of course," I nodded and followed him to our chairs behind the cameras.

I dried my cheeks until they didn't feel entirely inundated with tears. He put his arm around me and crossed his leg over his knee.

"You are doing amazing," he smiled to make me relax. "I saw you in that play, and when you came to the audition, I wasn't sure," he told me the truth. I took a deep breath. "But you are doing so well. The other actors only have amazing things to say about you. And that is high praise."

"I sense a but," I looked worried.

"No but," he shook his head. "I just need you to know that you are doing well, and I've run upon a few auditions for you down in LA, if you're interested. I've talked you up. I stuck up for you and put a bug in some friend's ears."

"Thank you, so much," I leaned against his arm a bit.

"I have a few previews I'm going to be doing as we start to wrap," he explained again. "I think you should be ready for this."

"For the movie?" I asked dumbly.

"For it to be impressive," he stared at me hard. "You are quite impressive," he laughed a bit at my cluelessness.

"You have to say that," I laughed. Him and my mom, my biggest fan club. But he was an Oscar winning director producing his own for the first time. And it wasn't slated to be an blockbuster, but an indie film, which is what drew me to it. No fireworks and special effects, no pop song montage. A play on film. Quiet and silence-filled, pensive and provocative.

"I don't, and I would never," he said sternly. The cast diminished to only those necessary who were still wrapping cords and stuffing bags with expensive cameras and lens and things I did not even know the name of at all. "Never lose that skepticism though," he patted my knee. I watched him rest his hand on his stomach and take a deep breath. "You're going to do great. I would never hesitate to work with you again."

"Thank you," I smiled. "It means more than you know."

"Just don't forget about me when you get another part," he laughed. It was a large and boisterous one that I enjoyed and joined with as well.

"Never," I promised.

"Okay, get out of here," he patted my knee and hoisted himself up. "I'll see you tomorrow. Are you ready for that scene?" I remained sitting there, struck by the question.

"No," I shook my head. "I don't think I will be until we're there."

"Good answer," he nodded appreciatively. "I will send your agent the details about the auditions. I'm sure he will be in touch."

"Thank you, Richard," I smiled. "For everything." He waved it off and disappeared, getting immediately ambushed by sound techs with questions and a portable monitor begging his attention.

I sat for a moment, struck by the short conversation. It took me a moment to catch my breath. It felt like a lie, like a whirlwind, like I'd hit the lottery, all of this at once, and I didn't really know what to do with it. I took another hour or so and read over the script for tomorrow, making notes, reading my old ones, thinking and getting ready. But I was distracted. I wondered where Cosima was, what she was doing, if I should go find her. I thought about what it all meant, to have auditions, to have a hopeful future.

I put on my coat and made my way out into the city again. It'd been three days since my birthday, and I still did not know anymore about it than what Cosima had told me. I did take a walk and send pictures to my friend back home. They filled me in with a long email about the events there. And I grew sad under it all. Now, though, I walked out aimlessly. It was only just after noon, but the sky was dark with clouds again. All the city every did was rain. I missed sun. I missed blue skies.

Three days it'd been since the big storm that knocked out the power. Three days since I'd seen Cosima. After I got to my hotel, I passed out for eighteen hours. It was a glorious, exhausted, mind body and soul, kind of exhausted, that was sex-induced and sex-laden, so that when I woke I was sore, both from being in the same position and barely moving and from what she'd done to me. It was a delicious ache and sore, though.

I smiled into my coat lapel on the corner as I waited to cross the street. I followed the line of people on a familiar route. I'd taken that route on accident once before, but I'd memorized it almost purposefully now once I found my starting point. The wind kicked up around me and swirled my hair about my ears. By the time I made it home it would be a full blown winter, with Christmas decorations and festivities in mid-swing.

I dug my hands into my pockets and gripped the lining as I ducked my head and walked past the café, allowing myself a glimpse of the counter to see her. It only worked once before, and that was yesterday. Today, however, there was a different girl there who was busy with customers and smiling to fill her jar. I nodded to myself and continued towards the park with the fountain and the big tree near the old church.

What would I have done if I even saw her? The same thing I'd done the day before- look at her for a moment then be afraid she would see me and rush back to my hotel room before she could make eye contact. I walked another block and sat on a bench and scolded myself.

I'd been the one who left and who shouldn't have. I was the one who didn't know how to go back in and say hello. I was the one who kept telling myself it was a bad idea, because it genuinely was. To have a crush on a local when I was only there for another month at most.

The sin filtered its way through the the afternoon clouds and made the day not a complete waste and not completely unbearable. My mother had told me to enjoy it. I hadn't told her everything, simply the ferry and class. The power outage remained my own. The entirety of the situation remained my own. The fear of it all, the confusion, the way my lips smiled when I thought of kissing her, the way my knees fell apart when I remembered the way she looked at me- All of that made me feel very unlike myself and I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing at this point.

I was on the precipice of wanting to do something stupid and returning to my room to find some dinner when I saw her. She was walking the dog. She smiled and laughed as he paraded himself in the street. I held my breath and bit my cheek. She saw me though, despite my stillness. And her smile wavered a bit. I could see her debate. I waved weakly, like I imagine a deer does for the instant before the truck smashes them.

"Hi, Brutus," I leaned down and met the dog with his big grin and floppy tongue. I rubbed his head and cheek and ear, almost refusing to look up at her. "You look handsome," I smiled as he kissed me with on long tongue.

"And here I thought you'd been a figment of my imagination," Cosima started quietly. It was not chiding, but simply itself. I finally stood from my bench and looked at her.

"I'm sorry," I kicked my feet a bit and pulled at my pockets. "For leaving. I just... I thought it'd be eas-"

"It's fine," she stopped me. "It was a fun twenty-four hours, huh?" I nodded. That's what I told myself as well, but then my feet transversed the city to try to just get a look at her, and when they did it only fueled the fire.

"I wanted to see you again," I tried again. I swallowed and closed my eyes and captured as much air as I could in my lungs in one go. "It was the best day of my life and you scared the absolute hell out of me." It came out in one quick breath and violently between my teeth as they tried to rein them in and herd them in my mouth. When I opened my eyes she was staring at me with her head cocked to the side a bit and a suppressed grin working its way through her lips.

"What are you doing now?" she asked. It surprised me more than I think anything else from her mouth might have.

"Nothing," I shrugged. I wanted to tell her I was only going to walk by the café again and see if she was there, but she was here, and that didn't make sense.

"I'm having a few friends over for the end of the week, care to join?"

"I wouldn't want to be an imposition," I rejected out of politeness. I rejected out of fear of seeing her for longer than this moment because I left her room once, but I wasn't sure I had it in me to do it again.

"When I woke up, I genuinely thought I'd made you up," she looked down at the sitting and panting dog for a moment. "And now here you are. And it kind of broke my heart a bit, but also made me really happy, and I'd kick myself for not trying. But if you're busy, or you don't want to, that's fine too. It was a fun twenty-four hours," she repeated.

"No no, no no no," I stopped her quickly. "I would love to. I just don't want you to feel obligated because of... well. It was more than twenty-four hours, wasn't it?" I'd struggled with that acknowledgement. It was much more. She nodded and smiled and looked around at the buildings, as if she didn't want to see me.

"Right," she nodded with a smirk. "I don't. Can we just not be awkward? This is kind of painful." I sighed and nodded.

"It shouldn't be awkward, right?" She shrugged and measured it all. "I guess it should. May we start over?" I held my hand out. She considered it before taking it slowly.

"Hello, my name is Cosima," she shook it.

"Delphine," I smiled weakly against her. "Enchanté."

"You know," she started, still holding my hand. "You look like someone I met once. She was french as well. I had a heated night of passion with her."

"She sounds wonderful," I tried not to laugh.

"Meh," she shrugged noncommittally. "She kind of left me naked in my bed, so that's debatable. But, I'd be careful if I were you," she warned. "I'm known to seduce foreigners." I laughed at this now.

"I'll take my chances," I played back with her. We started walking again, leaving the park behind us. We were quiet and the wind seemed to sense it, quieting as well around us.

"Listen, I'm not going to pretend I don't like you, and pretend that it didn't suck that I woke up alone," she started as we crossed and dodged traffic. "But I really like you, so just-"

"I like you," I nodded and swallowed.

"Yeah?" she looked at me then back to forwards. I nodded. "Well okay then."

"D'accord," I agreed. I saw her smile and blush and I found it endearing.

We spoke in measured lines after that as we returned to her apartment. The afternoon, wintry sun tried to leave quickly. She told me she'd just had an exam yesterday, and only a few more before winter break at the beginning of the next month. I told her of some scenes we'd done and how we were nearly finished as well. I told her about the bridge scene in the morning. She was kind of amazed, and that made me oddly proud. I told her about auditions. She was happy for me. She told me about classes for next semester and her research. She told me about her friends. It all, her words, the walk, her cheeks bitten pale in the cold evening, all of it reminded me how easy it'd been to talk to her for hours on end and be completely okay with it all. I was very much aware of the fear I still had regarding her and how silly and necessary it may be.

"Don't worry, it's just a few drinks to loosen you up for tomorrow," she promised as she held the door open for me. Brutus ran up the stairs and I stalled at the bottom, suddenly nervous to meet her friends.

"Just in case I don't get you alone," I stopped her for a moment. I heard people upstairs, a voice followed by laughter. "I want to see you again." I could see the blush in the near dark of the stairs. It wasn't bright enough for me to feel her quickness when she kissed me though. That happened quicker than the speed of light with her arms wrapped around my neck then her hands holding my cheeks. I closed my eyes just as she pulled away, almost as if I'd missed it.

"Just in case I don't get you alone," she repeated, excusing herself slightly. I smiled so big I think I broke my jaw. It was uncontrollable. "Shall we?" I saw her extend her arm towards the stairs.

"We have a lot to talk about," I whispered. She nodded and squeezed my hand before letting it go.

"Life is just like our day, extended infinitely, if we want," she murmured. I didn't have time to think about it. "Felix, I'd like you to meet Delphine," Cosima introduced me to her friend as he poured himself a drink in the kitchen. She took my coat and threw it on the same chair it'd been when I left.

"About time," he grunted, pouring more drinks.

"Sorry, I got held up," she offered. "Delphine, this is Felix, my sisters best friend."

"And yours," he sassed. He finally looked up at me, then back at her, back at me, then back at her. "Ah, I get it," he nodded appraisingly.

"Bonsoir," I shook his hand, reaching over the counter. He handed me a drink.

"It is all my pleasure," he leaned over. "So, you're the french sex goddess," he whispered. Cosima punched him in the side. He coughed a bit and rubbed his side. "I'm making conversation, woman," he defended himself. I tried to keep my drink in my mouth. Cosima blushed.

"I'm sorry," she shook her head and ducked into her drink.

"I am," I nodded towards him. "I had it on my business cards, but I'm fresh out." He chuckled and nodded appreciatively.

"Delphine is an actress," Cosima reminded him. "Here working on a movie."

"No way," he was even more eager. "Don't tell me you're working on the one with Richard Drake." I nodded. "Shut the fuck up!" he looked at Cosima. "Do you know what that means?" she looked at me then back at him and shook her head. He was already looking back at me. "He's amazing. All of his movies are astounding."

"He's awesome," I agreed.

Felix stole me after that and we talked about movies for nearly an hour before Cosima was able to introduce me to another friend, then a few others, and another after that. She hovered, and that made me less nervous. That and the drinks Felix concocted. That and the ease of slipping into character. That and Cosima's smile and laugh every so often.

"If you're not too busy tomorrow, you can come over," I offered as Felix handed me another drink. I drug my fingers through my hair to clear my buzzed vision. "It's going to be a big day."

"You have to get her away from me right now," he pushed Cosima closer. "Or I am going to steal her." Cosima's arm slipped around my waist slightly and I swallowed. "I couldn't... I mean... There's no way. It's Richard Drake. He's won every festival, he's won every award."

"He is very nice," I offered to his list. "He has two kids who play soccer." That was how I made him human.

"Say what you will," he continued, "but he is a legend and I will be able to say I met her before. Well done," he looked at Cosima.

"So I shouldn't expect you then?" I asked, putting my drink down.

"Fuck that, we'll be there," he assured me.

"Okay," I nodded. Cosima didn't move, but we stood there leaning against the counter with her arm on my lower back. Mine rested on the counter, technically not around her, but close enough for me; bold enough for me.

The night slowed and gradually people quit and left. It was actually nice and reminiscent of nights back home with friends. In the grand scheme of things that always amazed me a bit- how nights across the world were essentially the same for most twenty-three year olds with relatively new careers and school. And friends fit the same roles within the group. Cosima's friends from school were quiet and enjoyed themselves. Felix was outgoing and the catalyst for action. Her childhood friends were familiar and welcoming, quietly sussing what they could from me for her. It was a slice of normal for me, away from my self-imposed hermitism that came with preparing for my work.

"We start at five-thirty in the morning," I told Felix as he grabbed his coat. "I'll put your names down, alright?"

"That's amazing," he nodded. "I can't wait."

"Just dress warm. We'll be on the bridge," I reminded him.

"Thanks," he nodded. Cosima was in the kitchen cleaning up cups. "Listen," he stopped and was thoughtful. "I love her like a sister. I'm supposed to watch out for her while hers is away," he looked at her then back at me. "And I like you. So just... be careful... with her." It was not threatening, more so than it was calm and peaceful and that made it more alarming and worrisome. I nodded quickly. "Good girl," he smiled, though not in the same way. "I'll see you tomorrow," he hugged me quickly before he could change his mind. "I'll pick you up early, yeah Cos?" he called over my shoulder.

"Sure," she agreed approaching. "Get home safe, old chap."

"Yeah yeah," he muttered with a smile before heading down the stairs.

We stood there for a moment, watching the door. Cosima dried her hands in the towel she was carrying from dishes and wiping up counters. I heard Brutus snoring on his pillow.

"Listen, I'm sorry if he made you feel obligated to invite us," she started, retreating to the kitchen. I followed like a puppy because there was nothing else to do. "He gets excited. He's always loved movies, which is why I thought you two would get along and it wouldn't be awkward." She was stuck in full blown ramble mode. "But I have to watch him while Sarah is fuck knows where." I laughed a bit at their distorted loyalty. "And if you don't want us to come, that is definitely acceptable and fully understandable."

"Non," I tried to stop her. "It's alright. People come all of the time. Richard has a million associates. You will fit in just fine."

"I mean, I really don't want to put you on the spot, or something," she tried again. "I feel really bad."

"Arrêter," I scolded her. "I promise it is okay, d'accord?"

"D'accord," she nodded and mimicked me with a smile.

"Look at that, my language has left traces in your mouth," I offered.

"Something like that," she agreed. We took a few seconds to look at each other without looking at each other, coy and wonderful as it was. The cat hopped on the counter and made its way to Cosima, not even looking at me. She rubbed his chin absently before putting him on the ground.

"You kissed me, earlier," I realized. She met my eyes and nodded, the blush only betraying her slightly from her bravery in being so bold. "I'd like to spend time with you, but I am afraid because I will leave."

"You can stay tonight," she offered, looking down again.

"I meant in a month," I insisted. She nodded.

"I know," it came out in a sigh. "I can't think about that. Tonight, you are here."

"Oui," I nodded. "Plus, you may not even like me in a month."

"That's the spirit," she smiled.

Tentatively I approached her on the opposite side of the counter.

"But I think I will only like you more," I confessed. She nodded.

"That's the risk, isn't it?"

"Oui," I nodded dumbly.

"I'm okay with it if you are," she offered. Her palm was on my chest, measuring my heartbeat. Her eyes were hidden under her lashes. She looked meek and like a Greek myth all at once, sad and strong and wary.

I kissed her so I wouldn't have to decide. I knew the answer, but to say it is too much sometimes.

"I already love you anyway," she shrugged with a smirk. I remembered her words and smiled as well.

"So it's all downhill from here, huh?" I asked, kissing her again and not letting her answer.


	5. Trouble

_Trouble_

_She won't let me go  
She won't let me go now  
She won't let me go  
She won't let me go now_

"Non, Maman, I can see you," I promised. "Stop moving. Can you hear me?" I asked waving at the camera of my laptop. "I am hanging up the phone now so you can talk through the computer."

"Ah ma fille, c'est joli!" she spoke quickly and clapped her hands on her cheeks when she finally looked at me through the screen. I looked at her like I hadn't seen her in years. I couldn't help smiling. "I can't believe it," she spoke even more quickly in french. "We should have done this sooner," she scolded me.

"Our schedules are never the same, and with the time change," I reminded her. "It is nearly impossible."

"But you are nearly done, and soon to be back in my hour," she smiled and clapped. I loved her when she was excited.

"Oui, maman," I nodded. "We wrap on Sunday, and I leave for LA on Monday, auditions all week, and barring any complications, I will be home in eleven days."

"Eleven days," she repeated. "Wonderful! Christmas is here in the city. We will go to Paris and see the lights for a weekend, okay? I can get away from work, I think." She was planning and I was eager for all of it. To give her the check for the mortgage. To pay her back for university and plane tickets. To buy her a wonderful Christmas present. "Where are you?"

"I am at Cosima's apartment," I informed her, looking around. "Look, maman," I held up Vincent from his napping position on my lap. "Un chat avec une oreille."

"Mon Dieu," she smiled, peering at the curious little ball of fur.

"And he is named after your favorite painter," I laughed, tucking him back onto the pillow. We'd become friends of necessity, where he needed warmth to sleep and I wouldn't leave him alone if he was curled up somewhere else. It was the lesser of two evils for him.

"Non!" she laughed a bit more. "How smart! Now where is she? Where is this girl?" I bit my lip and tried not to smile. I looked over my computer at Cosima at her desk. I'd commandeered her couch in order to return the emails I'd been avoiding and welcomed myself to her wifi. She'd been busy with end of term exams and papers and research, so it was nearly the only time I'd get to be around her save for bed.

"She's busy," I decided, to save her the trouble. "I don't want to disturb her. Exams are coming."

"Just for a minute. I want to meet her unofficially," she pleaded with me.

"Ma chérie," I called to her. She looked up at me with a stretch and threw down her pen. "My mother would like to see you, if that's okay."

"Seriously?" she asked nervously.

"You look great," I assured her. "She just wants to see the girl who has taken care of me in this foreign city." She rolled her head and stared at me to gage my seriousness. I pouted slightly. Reluctantly she stood and slowly came to sit beside me, careful not to disturb the sleeping cat. "Just remember what I've taught you."

"You've only taught me dirty french," she looked alarmed. I smiled and moved the screen slightly so my anxious and curious mother could meet my-. So she could meet Cosima. "Bonjour," she said nervously with a wave.

"Oh qu'elle est belle, Delphine!" my mother congratulated me. I smiled widely. "Il me fait plaisir de vous rencontrer enfin."

"She says you are beautiful and it is a pleasure to meet you," I translated.

"Merci," Cosima offered. "It's my pleasure. Tell her you both look alike."

"Thank you, but my daughter is a million times more beautiful than I could hope to me," my mother answered for herself. Cosima nudged me. "How are you, dear?"

"I'm... well," Cosima decided. "I have exams soon."

"I heard! A doctor!" My mother was proud.

"Nearly," Cosima amended. My mother looked towards me.

"Quasi," I translated. "She will be a doctor. An academic doctor."

"And what are your plans for Christmas?" my mom continued the onslaught.

"I will be here with my family," Cosima decided.

"France is lovely this time of year," My mother prodded mercilessly.

"D'accord," I hushed her. "Tu me embarrassant, maman."

"It is only an observation," she shrugged and waved me away. "I will need your address to send you a thank you for helping my daughter. She has not been this happy in many years." Cosima smiled and settled a bit more into my side, allowing herself time to relax, not allowing herself to be too comfortable.

"She's easy," Cosima smiled graciously. "I mean, she is easy to be around." She caught herself from a saying my mom would not have understood.

"We should let her get back to work," I offered.

"If we must," my mom relented. "It was nice to meet you, Cosima. I hope to see you soon."

"Enchanté," Cosima smiled and waved. "Adieu."

"Adieu," Mom returned with a smile. Cosima stood and gestured towards the fridge for a drink. I nodded and smiled. "She is wonderful," she was back to speaking French so Cosima wouldn't know how much she was liked. "Invite her for Christmas. For a visit. She will be back at university before you know it, and you don't know when you will be back."

"Maman, maman, calmez-vous," I begged with an exasperated laugh. "I know these things. But it is too soon for these things. We will confront the future in eleven days."

"You will be home for Christmas, right?" she asked, worried. I hadn't thought of the invitation on the other end.

"Of course," I swore. "I wouldn't miss it. I miss home."

"A little less with her though," she said dreamily. I shook my head. Cosima handed me a cup of tea and returned to her study desk. I watched her for a moment and smiled to myself. I couldn't imagine anything else than her burrowed in an extra huge sweater, hair knotted in her grasp, chewing on a pen cap while she tried to memorize something fancy. "I won't pry anymore," my mother pulled me from my observations. I sipped the tea, not hearing what else she'd said. "Tell me about the film."

"We have a festival schedule after the holidays," I sighed. "So I will be away for a bit. And then, I'm not sure. I have the auditions."

"Have you talked to Marcel, here, he says there is a play he'd love you to head," she offered. "I ran into him at the market, and he said you hadn't emailed him back."

"I'm working on it," I promised.

We chatted for a few more minutes about this and that. It was refreshing to watch her hands when she spoke, to see the kitchen where she sat. To sip from tea that spread warmth in my chest that only multiplied when she laughed and joked about things I vaguely remembered.

"I should go get ready for work," she insisted after a bit longer than that.

"Soon you won't have to work," I promised. She laughed.

"I could ever stop," she dismissed me. "I love you, and I cannot wait to see you soon."

"I love you, too," I smiled sadly. "Be good."

"Always, ma fille." I disconnected because she didn't know how. That was difficult. I closed my laptop, knowing full well I was not going to bother will emails.

"Your mom is sweet," Cosima offered, putting her pen down with a smack against the notebook she'd been filling. "What did she say about me when you guys got all foreign on me?" I laughed and stretched my legs out on the coffee table. The cat stretched and moved to the windows as well. He basked in the winter sunlight.

"She was happy, you know, that you weren't too terrible looking," I joked with a smile, trying to keep serious. Cosima approached.

"Oh yeah?" she cocked an eyebrow.

"She said you were the most beautiful girl she'd ever seen," I lied a bit.

"You're embellishing," she scolded, straddling me on the couch.

"Oui," I nodded and laughed. She looked at me sternly, waiting for the real answer. "She liked you. She is impressed by you, but you already know that." I reminded her. She nodded and leaned her forehead on my forehead. "She wanted me to invite you to spend Christmas with us. I told her it was too early for that and you had a family. But she was hassling me about leaving and I don't know when I'll be back." I rambled with how sad it was.

Cosima grabbed my cheeks and squeezed to keep me from speaking. She stared at me and kept her face on my face so I couldn't focus. I closed my eyes and I took a deep breath. My mom's voice echoed between my ears.

"I know I said that we would just see how it went," she whispered. "And I tried really hard to hate you. Like, I tried to find something. But I can't," she lamented. I smiled a bit. I'd done the same. "You're un-hateable. And it sucks. But," she took a deep breath. "I'm in it, if you are." I nodded. "Eleven days from now, twelve days from now, thirty days from now when you're in France, I'm in it still." I sat there, flabbergasted and surprised. I wanted to kiss her. "Say something." I mumbled until she moved her hands and let my cheeks free.

"I don't have a schedule," I reminded her. "You are here for a bit longer. I don't know where I'll be after the New Year."

"Yeah," she nodded. Her hands were heavy on my shoulders. "That's true."

"I don't have a job," I reminder her. "I am an amateur actress, with no college degree."

"Yeah," she agreed. Her nose grazed along my nose.

"I live with my mom," I realized.

"She's quite sweet though," she returned.

"I'm not much of a catch," I ultimately came to that conclusion.

"I'm going to disagree with you there," she stopped me. "You are kind," she informed me. "You do work that you love, and that you are good at-" I tried to interrupt her. "You are good. I saw you, that day on the bridge. I don't think I've ever seen anything that amazing." She nodded and smiled. "And I don't care what happens. Whether you are in plays or commercials or whatever. I want to see you do that."

"I'm in," I nodded, kissing her softly. "It will be hard."

"Yeah," she agreed again. Her smile grew.

"You'll be my date to the premiere?" I ran my hands up her back.

"Hell yes," she agreed firmly. I kissed her with my smile because I couldn't do any thing else. I was still terrified. I was still as petrified as they day she found me at the park. And I was still very hesitant to try. But I didn't want to lose her, and that was a fact, and that was definite.

I felt her tongue and her hands and her lips and I loved it all. My fingers were on the skin below her sweater, tucking under the old fabric of it all. It was her father's and she wore it on days that were cold and she wasn't leaving her apartment. It eclipsed her and I believed that her father was as big as an oak. I liked the dip in her spine nearly as much as the protrusions of her back. I let my hands roam all over because she was mine now, officially. Maybe she had been those other mornings when I traipsed into the café and she was working and would give me a coffee and a kiss and send me to bed. Or evenings when I would invite her to the hotel for dinner. Or afternoons when we would walk the dogs and hold hands and look in the shops downtown.

"Knock it off already," Felix's voice was greeted with a deep woof.

"Hold this thought," Cosima whispered, kissing my cheek. She did not move though. "What are you doing here, Fe?" she lulled her head back and called over her shoulder. He took off his coat and I knew that I'd be holding the thought for a lot longer than I would have liked. Though I did enjoy Felix and her friends.

"Your phone is off," he observed. "Can you dismount already?"

Cosima sighed, looked at me, then moved to sit beside me.

"I've been studying all day," she explained.

"Clearly," he eyed us and raided the freezer for the vodka there. Brutus put his head on my lap and I played with his ears. "You should call Mrs. S though."

"I was over yesterday," she informed him. I hadn't been taken to meet the illusive and mysterious Mrs. S, the surrogate mother Cosima often quoted and was very much in love with as a parent. "I told her I probably wouldn't see her til after exams."

"Sarah's back," he looked over his glass and pointedly stared at her. I only saw Cosima's head tilt a bit at the words. "And she comes with gifts." He had an alarming smirk and nod that made me wary.

"Is she... I mean, is everything?" Cosima couldn't find the words. "Is she okay?"

"Oh, she's fine," he shrugged.

"I mean is she fine, Felix," Cosima stood and stated it a bit more thoroughly. "Fine or is she using?"

"Fine," he nodded.

"I have to go over there," she turned to me.

"Oui, bien sûr," I nodded and stood as well. "Is there anything I can-"

"Put your coat on, mate," Felix informed me. I looked at Cosima. She finished his drink and put the cup down with a hiss. I waited until she nodded.

"Would you mind?" she asked. I shook my head and gave her a smile.

I wasn't sure what to expect, but I got in Felix's car and watched the scenery pass as we headed across the city. When Sarah visited, it took her forty-five minutes to get there by transit. It took us twenty with Felix's driving. The neighborhood was nice, attached homes that reminded me of postcards you'd see of the city, though these weren't as nice, they were still quite beautiful.

Felix and Cosima talked anxiously in the front. I felt like a child.

Cosima held my hand when we parked and found ourselves standing on the curb looking up at the white house with the red door and big windows. Felix flicked his keys in his hand and took a deep breath.

"Come on then," he made us move our feet.

"It's okay," I promised her. She nodded. We climbed the stairs and she opened the door.

"I've been calling you like crazy," a woman greeted us. She hugged Cosima tightly. "I didn't want to take you away from studying, but I sent Felix because I figured you'd want to see her."

"Not much studying..." Felix cocked and eyebrow and looked at me with a smirk. I glared at him.

"And you are?" she turned to me. I was the deer. She was the headlights.

"Bonjour," I shook her head.

"This is Delphine," Cosima stood up for me. "My... um..." she looked at me, perturbed. "This is Delphine."

"Ah," the woman smiled warmly and hugged me. "The famous Delphine. I should have known," she said as she hugged me hard. It was a nice quality hug. "So glad I finally get to meet you. I've invited you over a million times for dinner, but Cosima always says you're busy." I looked at her and she looked sheepish.

"I have a hectic schedule," I decided. It hurt a bit to not get the invitations, but deep down I understood it. We weren't in it before, and she knew how much I was trying to not be in it. So she wanted to not force me to be in it.

"Felix, make yourself useful," she was still smiling towards me. "You know where the tea is." He rolled his eyes and departed for what I imagined was the kitchen. "Here, let me take your coat." I handed it to her.

"Where is she?" Cosima was eager.

"She's upstairs resting," Mrs. S explained. "Now, there's something-"

"Took you long enough," an identical Cosima appeared at the top of the stairs. Her hair was straighter, and she wasn't Cosima, but the similarities were uncanny.

"Me?" Cosima recoiled. "You're the shithead who left," she seethed.

"This is a lovely home you have," I offered Mrs. S. She smiled courteously for a moment.

"Shithead?" Sarah took a step and grew angry. "Seriously? You've had over two years, and that's what you've got?"

"Come on then, love," Mrs. S directed me towards the living room. I watched the two sisters seethe at each other.

"So your accent?" I sat on the chair.

"From London, dear," she took another.

"You fucking left!" I heard Cosima yell. "How could you do that?"

"You went to school," Sarah retorted. "I'm sorry."

"I was worried sick," Cosima bit back. I knew her sister had been a sore spot for her. I knew her family was. I knew that she was like a banana covered in brown spots that painted itself yellow most of the time.

"London is really nice," I offered, folding my hands.

"And what part of France is home for you?" she looked at me. Her face betrayed the worry she had about the girls, but also the knowledge that this was not unusual.

"The south, a small village, really. Not much there," I fiddled with my fingers. "Should I do something?" I looked towards the hallway. I could see Sarah on the stairs speaking with her hands. Cosima was leaning agains the wall somberly.

"No no, love," she assured me. "This has been a long time coming. You know, when I got them, they wouldn't speak to anyone but each other?" I shook my head. "It sure is a pleasure to meet you, finally."

"Likewise," I sighed.

"I had to do it on my own!" I heard Sarah yell.

"Well that's all fine and good, but I haven't heard from you in months!" Cosima returned. "How?"

"This could take a while, huh?" Felix returned with three mugs for us.

"They're almost done," Mrs. S. assured us. "So Cosima told me you're an actress."

"I am, or I'm trying," I smiled and sipped from the mug.

"She is," Felix interrupted for me. "She's working with Richard Drake."

"The Richard Drake that did that movie, what was it?" she looked at him as if he'd know.

"The Lion's Den," he offered.

"Yes, that one!" she smiled widely. I nodded. "Oh my goodness," she nodded appreciatively.

"Should we go..." I looked towards the quiet of the other room. I couldn't see anyone.

"They're fine," Felix offered this time.

"How long are you here for?" Mrs. S began new questioning. I understood how Cosima felt when I made her sit in front of the computer. Though that had an easy out. I was trapped here now.

"I will be home in eleven days," I smiled and wrapped my fingers around the mug.

"That is soon," she observed, sitting back in her chair and crossing her legs.

"Oui," I observed.

"What are your intentions with my daughter?" she asked, sizing me. I swallowed the hot liquid too quickly. It burnt my throat and I coughed. Felix snickered into his hand. "I only ask because you're leaving in eleven days and I know you are attached to each other."

"I very much like your daughter," I offered. "I'm sorry, I've never done this before, this talk." I was quiet for a moment. "I like your daughter. And I intend to keep liking her as long as she'll have me, and probably for a lot longer after that if she ever stops."

"You know, I've never had to ask that question in regards to Cosima," she realized. Perhaps my answer was good enough. She smiled. Maybe that worked in my favor.

A scream erupted from upstairs.

"Is that?" I heard Cosima. Sarah trotted upstairs without another word. A full minute later Cosima appeared in the living room. I stood up though no one else did. Perhaps it was chivalrous when I needn't be. She sat on the couch and I joined her again. She didn't speak, but her eyes were wide and confused and slightly glassy with tears, as were her cheeks.

"You alright, love?" Mrs. S asked softly. Cosima's eyes snapped to her and she swallowed. She shook her head and rested her forehead in her hands. I handed her my mug of tea. She took it and tilted her head to the side though remained hunched over.

"So I'm an aunt," she smiled weakly. I nodded for her to drink. I rubbed the protrusion of her spine through her coat which she hadn't taken off yet. The screams upstairs persisted though at a lower decibel.

I looked up to find Mrs. S watching me. I retracted my hand for a moment, then ignored the urge and rubbed a circle again.

"She just left," Cosima sat up a bit. "And now she's just back, like it's okay? With a kid?" She couldn't figure it out. I couldn't figure it out for her. I didn't have a sister. I didn't even have a best friend that I'd told about her. And she felt as if she was losing hers. "She doesn't even have a good answer. She just left me." I saw her smile. "I can't..." she stood. "I'm sorry," she looked at Mrs. S. "I have exams. I have to study."

"I'm sure it can wait a night, love," Mrs. S stood. I stood. Felix stood. Cosima shook her head. I was new to this and I didn't know what she needed me to be. It'd grown almost dark outside. The kid screamed again. "She needs you."

"Yeah, well I needed her two years ago," Cosima managed. I saw a tear escape and she brushed it away violently and with a stubbornly set jaw. "I can't. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Mrs. S hugged her tightly, squeezing her head to her chest. She kissed the top of her head. "Call me when you get a chance, alright? We can get lunch sometime. I'd love to get to know Delphine more." Cosima nodded and sniffled.

"I'm sorry," she said again. "I thought I could. But what am I supposed to do? She left."

"I know, love," Mrs. S held her cheeks and kissed her forehead. "Good luck on your exams."

Cosima nodded and set the mug on the desk before disappearing.

"Thank you for the tea," I offered awkwardly. "It was lovely." Mrs. S. laughed at me.

"You are so polite. Tell your mother she did a wonderful job," she hugged me again. "Take care of her as best you can, please?" she asked in a whisper. It felt like a lot of pressure. I wanted to tell her that I didn't know how, but instead I just nodded. "She'll be fine. It just takes her time to process."

"Let me give you a lift," Felix offered.

"We'll take a cab," I offered. "You should be here." He nodded and hugged me as well. "Bonsoir," I waved and followed Cosima. She was waiting for me on the porch. She hugged me as soon as the door clicked. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"She left and she had a baby and never told me," she whispered to the inside of my coat. "She left. You're not supposed to leave your family. She promised. She was the one person..."

"I know," I nodded as if I understood. "Let's get out of here." She nodded and allowed me to hail a taxi at the corner.

"You know, for being on the job less than three hours, you're a phenomenal girlfriend," Cosima leaned against my shoulder and looked out the window.

"Yeah, well, you're easy," I laughed a bit. Her hand was on my knee. It absently traced there while she counted buildings on the way back to her apartment. "Having a sister seems crazy."

"It is," she agreed.

"Pizza and beer and _Abbot and Costello and the Mummy_?" I asked as we neared her place. She just nodded.

"Now I'm really in love with you," she joked.

"Eventually you'll have to stop joking about that," I scolded her gently.

"Probably," she agreed with a tiny giggle.

I paid the cabby with what I had in my pocket and followed Cosima upstairs. We walked the dog. We had pizza. We had beer. She vented about her irresponsible sister. She vented about being left. She made me feel worse for having to go. But she knew that I was. Maybe it was the fact that they left her without taking her with them. I was going to take her, in some form, with me. Her sister left her alone. Her parents left her with her sister. She vented about everything and exams and school and her one professor who was a hardass and she vented about venting and how she wondered how I could stand her. We drank and watched the movie. I told her about how angry my dad once made me. I told her that I grew angry at myself now. I told her that was worse- to not have people to get angry at and instead just have yourself. She nodded and kissed my clavicle. I asked her how she would make up with her sister and she wasn't sure. She wasn't sure she could. She left. That was the phrase of the night. She left.

"Are you staying tonight?" she asked, as if the previous thirty some odd times she'd asked I'd ever given her a different answer. I nodded. I got into bed with her. "Ten more days," she sighed. I nodded.

"Ten more days."


	6. Nineteen

_I felt you in my life before I ever thought to._  
_I need to lay down beside you and tell you-_  
_I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you._  
_And now we're saying bye._

"Thank you so much," I rubbed my stomach as I set down the near empty glass of wine. "It was delicious." Cosima rubbed my back softly with her hand on the back of chair. She beamed at me. I liked that. She had the world's best smile. And I wasn't just saying that. I liked it. I liked it as much as I could. I wanted to keep it for myself.

"Thank you, love," Mrs. S gathered some plates. "Couldn't very well send you home on an empty stomach, could we?"

"Now you sound like my mother," I smiled at her. Sometimes I saw her and thought she looked like Cosima. I knew they weren't blood, but there were mannerisms and sayings that developed in families. Inside jokes and stories seeped into their very movements. That was what mattered.

"Leave it," Cosima scolded her as she cleaned. "We'll clean up."

"Oh, don't worry," she shook her head and went towards the kitchen with an armful of dishes. "I've done dishes once or twice before."

"I'll go help," Cosima stood and grabbed some dishes after kissed the side of my head as she stood. "Do you want anything else?" I shook my head.

"Is there anything I can do?" She shook hers and disappeared. I heard water running and their low voices in the other room.

"Do you smoke?" Sarah asked, downing the rest of her wine and slumping into her chair.

"Occasionally," I nodded. Felix grabbed the rest of the dishes and headed towards the kitchen while Sarah fiddled with a crumb on the table cloth. Suddenly she stood and nodded, urging me to follow. I took a second and looked around the empty dining room. I felt like I should tell Cosima that I was leaving, like a toddler asking permission to go to the park or something. But instead I just followed.

Sarah grabbed her coat and I followed suit as we went onto the porch. The night was clear and there would have been stars above had it not been for the lights. I saw stars though, with Cosima. When we drove back from LA and we took a scenic tour through the valley and we parked on the side of the road and sat on the hood of Felix's car and the walls of the mountains seemed to keep the lights of the coast at bay, and there were more stars than I'd ever seen. It added an extra four hours to our drive, but the feeling of cool metal and glass on our skin was worth it. And her hands in my hand, and the way she pointed out the constellations and made some up and told me facts about the atoms of the universe. I had that moment.

But here there weren't any, despite how dark the porch was. Sarah handed me a cigarette, took one for herself, and shoved them in her pocket before offering up the spark of a lighter. I almost couldn't believe that our trip in the valley was just three days ago. Now seemed so far from then.

"You'll probably get into trouble," she observed with a smile and between clenched lips as she lit her own.

"Most likely," I agreed conspiratorially with a grin. "But I've smoked more pot than ever in my life since being with her. So I think one of these won't kill me." Sarah laughed a bit at this and leaned against the railing gazing back into the house through the large window. Through the curtains I saw Cosima laughing with Felix as they wrapped up the table cloth. I saw the shape of her jaw against her neck, and the way her eyebrows spoke as much as her hands. I took a deep breath and felt contented.

"We haven't gotten to talk much," she observed. We both kept watching the empty house through the television window. "Things have been hectic, and with Cos and me, and Kira getting situated..."

"I didn't mean to steal her for the week," I offered. "LA was a surprise trip for her. I'd been planning to go before everything and she wanted to celebrate being done with finals."

"No no," she shook her head and took a drag. "That's fine. I just meant... Listen, I'm shit at this- small talk and what have you. But I've always been a great big sister." I nodded because she needed it, and truly I didn't doubt it, not from everything Cosima told me. "Don't hurt her. Or I really will kill you. I can promise that. Whether she hates me or not." I swallowed and nodded. "Long distance is hard though. And I'd be failing to not tell you to take care of her, and don't let it ruin you all."

"Yeah," I nodded again.

"I heard you did get the part for another movie though," she remembered. "That's exciting. Does that mean you'll be back? I can imagine you'll want to come back."

"We'll be filming in Michigan," I fiddled with the ash over the railing. "Starting in mid-January. That will take roughly two months. And after that I have another that starts filming in LA in May. Then when that one ends I'll be doing a few festivals starting in September with the one I just did if it doesn't bomb horribly." I went through my schedule and wanted to die. I was smiling and excited and exhausted. I'd been offered four of the six parts I auditioned for, I'd accepted two and promised myself to Richard whenever he finished with this one and got his script together for whatever he wanted from me. And I was suddenly booked until next year, with little time at home. I'd be able to have the holidays, then possibly a few weeks in the spring. After that, I wasn't sure.

"Where does that leave Cosima?" she snuffed her cigarette on the banister and threw the butt into the wind. I held onto mine, enjoying the warmth of it near my fingers.

"Mine," I whispered to myself. She looked at me. I was unsure if she heard it. I coughed a bit and threw the remnants of my cigarette into the street. I watched the ash spark and throw a tiny firework against the pavement. "I got her a ticket to come visit for New Years," I informed her. "I haven't given it to her yet. But We could come back at the same time, so she'll be here for classes. And I'll be in Michigan. I don't know. I'm trying."

"That's..." she blew air from her lips. "That's an intense Christmas present."

"Yeah," I worried. "Too much? I mean, I can change it if she won't like it."

"She'll love it," Sarah assured me. She tucked her hands into her sides against the cold.

"We'll see then," I smiled at her. We were quiet for a moment, both shuffling under the strangeness of being alone together. "You're a wonderful big sister," I offered. "I don't have any siblings, but I can imagine it's hard. And awesome at the same time. I know i don't have to ask you to take care of her when I leave."

"I'll try," she sighed. I saw her smile waver as she looked at her hands gripping the railing. "I really fucked it up," she realized. "A kid, no job, Cosima, Mrs. S., even Felix is not the same."

"You were gone a long time," I reminded her.

"I couldn't come back when I had Kira," she looked away. "I felt even more like I wasn't allowed."

"But you're here now," I tried to pick her up as best I could. There were familial dynamics at play that I was unaware and unprivileged to know.

"So are you going to be like a movie star?" she turned back, dismissing me.

"Um," she caught me off guard. "Something like that, I guess."

"And you're not going to get sick of my sister. She's just a scientist. She's always wanted to be one. She's always been good at it."

"I would never stop her," I promised. "We've only been... together... for a short time."

"Okay," she relented.

"I don't want to interrupt the meeting of the minds out here," Cosima stepped out onto the porch. "But it's almost time for pie."

"You ruined it. I had her thinking I was you," Sarah joked. I shook my head. Cosima laughed and wrapped her arms around my waist and through my jacket for warmth.

"That hasn't worked in years," she scolded. "That's how this one got through math class. I took how many exams for you?"

"About ten my senior year," Sarah laughed and took out another cigarette. She offered me the pack and I took another hesitantly. I didn't look down at Cosima. But she held me while I gained a light.

"Mon Dieu," I sighed. "Why couldn't I have a smart twin?"

"It came in handy," Sarah smiled.

"You wouldn't confuse me would you?" she looked up at me. I thought about it for a second.

"Non," I decided, dragging long on the cigarette. "You are very much Cosima," I traced her cheek with my free hand. "Please don't play that joke on me," I begged weakly. I saw the twins share a glance. I feared for my life.

"We should go have pie," Sarah decided, flicking hers again. I offered mine to Cosima and she shook her head with squinched up nose and everything. I took a last bit and threw it as well. "Someone has a plane to catch." I felt Cosima's arms constrict, as if she would keep me anchored there. "Good chat, Delphine. Don't forget." She gave me a look and smiled before heading back inside.

"Forget?" Cosima looked up. I wrapped my arms around her.

"I got the hurt-my-little-sister-and-I'll-hurt-you-worse talk," I explained.

"Did it work?" she looked amused.

"It did," I nodded, remembering the fear. She chuckled and kissed my shoulder. "I'm going to miss you."

"Not yet," she insisted weakly. I felt her nose in my neck. I nodded. "Let's have pie."

I followed Cosima into the house again. We had pie and laughed with her family. Mrs. S. had many stories of the twins as kids. It was nice to see them argue in a friendly way, and for them to play off of each other. I knew she wouldn't stay mad at her forever, because she was Cosima, and what I knew of her, which at times felt relatively small, was that she was kind and compassionate and generous.

Against my wishes the night wore on with no signs of slowing.

"It was so nice to meet you," Mrs. S. hugged me before I put my coat on. "We will see you soon, I'm sure." I nodded and hugged her as well.

"Thank you for all of your hospitality," I offered. "It's been like a home away from home."

"Travel safe, now," she held my shoulders. I nodded. She moved and hugged Cosima next even though she wasn't going anywhere.

"Come on now," Felix gathered me up. "Don't be a stranger." I hugged him and laughed. "It has been amazing getting to know you. Thank you for all of the behind-the-scenes stuff, and hooking me up with that internship."

"It wasn't me," I swore. "That was all Richard."

"I can't believe it," he smiled wildly. "I will see you in LA in a few months."

"We will email, oui?" I asked.

"Of course," he nodded. He hugged me again. "Send me something fabulous for Christmas, okay? Something Parisian and wonderful."

"I'll try," I chuckled a bit at him.

"It was nice meeting you," Sarah stood in front of me now. I grabbed my coat. We wouldn't hug.

"Likewise," I agreed.

"We'll see you around, okay?"

"Of course," I nodded.

"Thank you," Cosima grabbed Felix's keys beside me. I handed her the coat she brought. "I will see you all tomorrow. But now she's mine."

"I will miss you all," I waved as i was pushed through the door. "Thank you." I got waves and then silence in the winter night. "That was harder than I expected," I offered as we walked down the steps.

"They kind of like you," she acknowledged as we got into the borrowed car.

The ride to the airport was quiet. I held her hand. The city was dark and the traffic was light. I found myself anxious and tense and jittery in it all. My full stomach lulled me into a false sense of ease though. That and the quiet radio in the background. That and the sound of tires consistently meeting pavement. I didn't like flying at night. When I woke up in Paris, I would be timezones and thousands of miles away from her. But I would be back to where I was meant to be. The paradox was astounding.

"We will have to get used to this," she stated in the quiet while I made myself dizzy with the following of streetlights on the highway as the zoomed by the car. "Going to the airport and stuff." She was very business-like and official, methodical even. "We will have to get used to it and get good at it. That will make it easier."

"I don't think we can be good at it," I reminded her. She shook her head and disagreed.

"I can get another job," she thought out loud. "Between TA and the café I can make rent and live comfortably, but not airplane ticket comfortable," she continued.

"Non," I chuckled at how carried away she was. "That's not necessary."

"It kind of is," she looked at me briefly, then in the mirror to change lanes. "I want to be good at this, because I'm kind of attached to you. It's hard trying to balance this and that. Should I say this, should I say that, can I say this, can I feel that, can I want that? Because we've only been together a short bit of time... And I don't want to come on too strong and scare you away..."

"You're kind of sweet, in a weird kind of way," I tried to repress a smile. "You told me you loved me within fifteen minutes of meeting me," I reminded her. "Don't worry. I want to see you. And we will figure it out together. But you won't get another job, you work too much as it is."

"Okay, bossy," she shook her head.

"T'inquiète pas," I held her hand again. I kissed her knuckles. She nodded and sighed. "You're kind of scary when you're worried."

"Okay, laugh it up," she looked wounded and tried to escape my grasp. I held her hand tighter and laughed. "At least I'm worried."

"I am too, mon amour," I promised. "But if you stress out it won't work. We will email and have Skype. I'm sure my mother will hijack that as well." I earned a slight smile from her as we pulled to the ramp. "I will miss you every day."

"I will miss you every night," she sighed.

"Mostly I will miss Vinny," I joked. It was easy to pretend that it wasn't hurting my chest muscles to breathe and see the signs for the airport.

"He will miss you," she assured me. "You're the only one who lets him cuddle on a lap."

I could see the airport approaching. I thought about getting used to it. She was right, in a slightly disturbing way. For the first time in forty-one days, I thought about how I'd gotten here. Was I ready for this? Would I touch French soil and realize I didn't want this? I looked at her, face stone and unwavering, lights flashing against her glasses. I thought about the swell of her spine when she slept and the way she liked to make faces when she caught me looking at her. Forty-one days was enough. Twenty-four hours had been enough. The car stopped.

"I have your Christmas present," Cosima turned to me as she took the keys from the car. People with coats and suitcases bustled past the window beside me. Luggage carts and hugs and wind waited outside of this bubble. "But you can't open it until Christmas.

"Okay," I smiled. I dug for her ticket in my pocket. I'd left a box of something else in her apartment. But this had to happen now. "I have something for you now." I pulled out the envelope and held it in my hands, staring at it awkwardly.

"I have this," she handed me an envelope just as quickly. "For you to read on the plane." We sat dumbly holding each other's envelope.

"This isn't a letter," I assured her. "I just need you to know-" There was a knock at our window of a security guard telling us we couldn't park there. We'd already agreed she wouldn't come inside with me. It would be too much. "I need you to know that you don't have to accept it, and I know it is a lot."

"Well, you're really setting it up here," she joked nervously. I handed her the envelope and let her open it.

"It was my mom's idea," I offered. "And my idea. But this means I will see you in three weeks, and we could fly back to the states together. And you can get to meet my mom and see my house. I know it'd be a short visit, but that'd be the only time I could see you because you have school-"

"Shut up," she smiled this huge smile. "Do you know what this is?"

"Yes," I nodded.

"This is a fucking plane ticket!" she was excited. "I can't take this," she realized.

"You can," I nodded. "It's a Christmas present."

"For New Years in France," she exclaimed a bit in disbelief.

"Yes," I nodded slower. Her arms were around me. I felt the ticket in my cheek as she clutched it and myself in one motion. "I'll take that as a yes, then?" I asked apprehensively.

"Yes," she agreed, eyes sad and wet. "Of course. How could I not?"

"That's a good answer," I decided. I tucked her envelope in my coat. I saw the numbers on the dash for the time and sighed. Cosima gave me a small smile and opened her door. I took a deep breath and swallowed suit.

The air was cold and filled with the prevalent sounds of jet engines and people saying goodbye. I had become one of them too. There was a unity and family in that whole event and place that was lonely. Cosima lugged my bag onto the sidewalk from the trunk. She kissed my hand. She hugged my neck. She kissed my cheek. I held her there. The announcer announced announcements over the speakers. They were blurs and strokes of abstract paint in the background though.

"I'm glad you waited," she whispered, forehead in my neck, ear on my chest.

"I'm glad it rained," I remembered.

"I'm glad you went on an adventure with me," she sighed. Her fingers were playing with my necklace. I kissed her hair.

"I'm glad you're going on an adventure with me," I decided.

I felt her lips on my lips and her hands in my hair and I held on for dear life, suddenly aware that it was gone in a moment. In twenty minutes I'd be at the departure gate. In an hour I'd be in the air trying to pinpoint her house from the sky. In three I'd be somewhere over the midwest. In six I'd be in New York. And so on and so forth, time and distance spiraling outwards at alarming rates from this singular starting point.

"I'll see you in a few weeks," I promised when the security guard and time couldn't be quieted anymore.

"Easy," she nodded. She was not upset at all. Or at least not betraying it.

"You sure about this?" I asked.

"It's an adventure," she assured me.

I waved to her from the doors. She stood on the driver's side of her car, peaking over the top to find me. She had a big smile. She had tears now. I blew her a kiss and decided not to look back.


End file.
